Tuesday, April 29, 2008

(Most) Everybody Says Don't

If there's one thing I know I excel at, it's walking away... quitting... hiding... not taking chances. It's kind of a raw deal to have that kind of a "talent," but I realize it's protected me from certain things that could have caused serious damage. I realize it's good and it's bad, but I also realize that it keeps me away from life a lot of the times.
So... there's this... situation. I play on a tennis league. I've played on this tennis league for years at the same level. Year after year, winning and losing, I've stayed at the same level. I want to move up. I've had that in mind season after season. To move up, I would have to go a season only losing 2 out of 10 sets. I actually did once. I had a 9-1 season, but because the people I played against were at my level and below, it didn't count. For it to count, the majority of people I play have to be at my level or above. This season I'm in at a level with people at or above me and have gone 7-2. Last week was my second loss and for me to move up, I have to win my next (and last) match.
This season was a strange one. Rain delayed the beginning of it and pushed it long of when it was supposed to end, so I have ended up not playing the people I'm supposed to play. Instead I've played a handful of substitutes. Last week was an especially hard loss. I was supposed to have a rematch and play someone I had already beaten, but he had a substitute and instead of clinching, I lost and now it's do or die... or not.
There's kind of a loophole. People have done it to me. I could get a substitute. I could get someone to play for me and the match wouldn't count for or against me. My record would stay as is and I would move up. Period, end of story.
Person after person is telling me to do this. To play it safe, to get a substitute. Especially because they know the person I will be playing against. He's good, is a higher level, and we've never played before. He'll be playing with nothing to lose, I'll have it all on the line. My mental game is far from my strong suit. In high stress situations, my nerves tend to get the best of me. A lot of times, I'll be tired after a point just because of all the nervous energy I have to expend to play it. The guy I'm playing is known for getting in his opponents' heads.
I could easily keep my record intact and do what I've always done... walk away... quit... hide... not take a chance. It's strange because it's so easy for me to do those things in other parts of my life. Whether it's saying no to an invitation to go somewhere or not finishing a piece of writing, it's so easy for me to just stop and put things aside. With tennis, it's different. When I fail, it's usually a spectacular, painful failure... but the strange thing is... I can't wait to try again. Yeah, it hurts, but in the back of my mind, I can't wait to put it right, to figure out what went wrong and try not make the same mistakes again. Of course, I make the same mistakes over and over, but although my nerves are still out in full force, I can control them a little better than when I first started.
Tennis is the one area in life where I don't back away after a failure. I charge right back after getting knocked down and try to swing again. I know my game will probably take years to get things anywhere close to where I want it to be, and maybe I'm not ready to move up. Maybe I'll never be able to dull those nerves and always be struggling. But it's a struggle I enjoy. It's a struggle I learn from. It's an area of my life where my automatic response is not to play it safe. I don't know, but I think the lessons I learn from that are probably worth the cost of the failures along the way. Yes it hurts, but it feels good to take the chance. Maybe what I'm learning on the court is going to help me learn what I need to do in life.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Dream #454

I had a dream my parents moved into a new house. There was no furniture anywhere and they were painting each of the rooms. I made the suggestion that one of the smaller rooms should start as a wheat color at the bottom of the walls and after a few feet, turn to a sky blue color to kind of match the look of the rolling Midwest plains. I don't know why, but I can't shake the image of fields of wheat blowing slightly in the wind as the sun shines down and that quiet rustle as the stalks touch one another. Something about it just makes sense, like the meaning of life is there somewhere in that picture in my head. There was a window in the room. One window, and it looked out on fields of wheat under a blow sky. The reality of what I wanted the room to represent.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Run Hamster, Run!

It's 1am on a Saturday night (or Sunday morning, depending how you look at it) and I am stuck in the Truman Show (or a popular Las Vegas Casino, depending how you look at it). Across the room from me, a celebrity mom, who shall remain nameless, sits on the lap of a gay man and downs another tequila shot in her above the thigh black dress and 4 inch heels. Her son plays cards in his backwards hat and over sized t-shirt with an assistant's boyfriend, who's job title just dropped to celebrity child babysitter. While her daughter, looking way to old for her age, gets her tears wiped, over a plate of nachos, by a mother figure with whom she has recently bonded. As I watch the scene unfold before me, I ask myself one question..."When Did This Become My Life?" Not in a negative, ungrateful way...more in a "Are you kidding me?" kind of way. When did my life become Las Vegas parties and watching hamsters as they spin on their wheels locked inside their dirty little cages? When did my life become Hugh Hefner in his bathrobe and sharing elevators with the "Girls Next Door"? Why does my mom say, "I watched your trailer and I thought, Please God, get her another job!" And while some people may think it's not entertainment and it's warping the minds of our youth, I'm not complaining. In fact, the truth is...I kind of like hamsters.

Not So Epic Struggle

I stepped out on the tennis court. Across from it was the same person I played a few weeks ago: the same person who beat me 6-3 and didn't allow me to hold serve once. The main difference was the heat, a sweltering 95 degrees in the sun. My nerves were still there, but I knew I had to focus. My opponent didn't want to warm up, I agreed and we started immediately. He had won the toss and chose to serve. He served, I won the point, and the next one, and the next one. I won eleven points in a row. I was up 3-0, then I was up 5-0 and serving to close out a match against someone I struggled against last time we played. The nerves crept in, I went down 15-40 with some bad errors. But I focused, I held it together. I did what I needed to do and won 6-0.
I don't know that much has changed since I struggled to win points in our previous match. Maybe it was the heat, maybe I was a little more focused. It's just strange that sometimes I can be so on and sometimes I can be so off. I think I tend to fly between two extremes. Instead of looking for common ground, I take things dramatically, drastically. It's either horrible or wonderful.
A friend was talking after the match and said "It's tennis," and he was right. It just is. It doesn't always have to be an epic struggle.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Another Dream...

My dream last night involved being in a park/forest type area. There were tennis courts, swings, other things all around and trees surrounded the entire area. As I was walking along towards the edge of the park area, I noticed tractors and other heavy equipment at work. They were tearing down the trees and digging up the ground not even caring if people were there or not. I had to run a few times to avoid being hit by huge falling trees.
I think deep down I'm dealing with the things people do and what they say and how they go about their lives. I don't know if people really understand how their actions effect others sometimes. It just seems like people bulldoze past things without really taking a look at their surroundings and taking those extra few seconds to figure out a way to maybe lesson the impact.
It's funny because in my dream, there were people who were going about their day, unmoved by all that was falling down around them. I sometimes wish I could be more like that. I pretend to be sometimes, but it doesn't mean things don't still sting. I guess it's good because I care. Despite the fact that I'm weary sometimes, there's still a heart that hurts. I'm not completely checked out. I'm not completely dead inside.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Foreign Territory

It's strange being away from a spot I've grown so accustomed to. Little did I know, months ago, when I picked that spot what would happen because of it. It's one of those little things that has big consequences. I didn't know it at the time, but when I sat down and took my place, my fate had been decided. I became tied to other people in very specific ways with no choice in the matter.
I wonder why things happen the way they do. How different would things be had my seat been switched. It's a huge deal. I can't begin to imagine how different things would be. My attitude, my workload, my life. Maybe for better, maybe for worse.
Once again, it's about control. It's about wanting to know what I'm setting myself up for.
I remember starting 8th grade close to the end of the school year in Florida after my family had moved from Germany. I was sitting in the gym and some kids called me over, but I wouldn't go. I found out later that they were the "in crowd" and I think the decision not to come when I was called has been symbolic for most of my life. There's something in me that resists going in certain directions... Maybe for better, maybe for worse. I don't know if it's an irrational fear or a subconscious mode of protection, but deep down maybe I'm trying to exhibit whatever control I can over the smallest things.
For some reason, there's a bubble that's not ready to burst. But I think I'm secretly hoping that one day it does.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Truth & Consequences

To tell the truth... When is the right time? Do you wait around? Do you try to spare the other person's feelings? Do you say "I'm fine" when someone asks you how you're feeling just because you don't want to get into it? Do you hold it because letting it out would feel good, but dealing with the aftermath of what you let out just doesn't seem pleasant?
I don't know, I guess it depends on the circumstances. I don't think anyone would want to be privy to what goes on in my head at any given moment. Sometimes it's fine but other times it's dangerous. Sometimes it's calm and other times things are so out of control. And it's always changing. What's true for me now could change a minute from now, it's just a never-ending swirl of emotions. Sometimes I look back at things I've written and wonder who the person writing them is. The handwriting looks just like mine, but I wonder how those thoughts could have ever gone through my head.
In college, I freaked out once and destroyed all my journals just because I couldn't deal with what I had written. I ripped them up into shreds, put them into a jar, and filled the jar with water and bleach. It's pretty scary thinking that I couldn't deal with my own truths.
I guess in the end things just happen. And you just try to do your best to manage. Like in the fall, when the leaves keep fallings from the trees, you rake up pile after pile, but there's always more blowing around.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

No She Didn't

The new bike path running along the Orange Line in the Valley is a place away from time. People walk or bike along cheerfully, they take their kids and teach them how to ride their bikes, people smile or say hello as you pass them. It's a nice little getaway safe from crazy cars and the crazy people driving them.
Well, usually it's a nice getaway. As I was riding along yesterday, with the sun shining and a brisk breeze blowing, I saw something ahead of me: a woman behind the barrier where people wait for the bus. She looked around and then pulled down her pants and started to pee. It was kind of traumatizing seeing ass and urine right in front of me as I biked past. Very strange. A reminder of where I live.
Of course, it wasn't as bad as the time on the subway when a woman pulled down her pants and lied down on the floor of the car as it was moving and started to fulfill needs that are all together more sensual. What is it with public transportation these days?