Friday, October 31, 2008

Jenny Lewis at the Orpheum

I called in sick to work today, and I am sick. And tired.
Last night B and me went to go see Jenny Lewis at the Orpheum Theatre in downtown Los Angeles. The ticket said that doors opened at 8PM. I knew she had two opening acts and thought if we left at 8PM, we might miss most of them and be there right in time for Jenny to do her thing. Well, we got there quickly, parked, went in, and waited and waited and waited and waited. The first opening act went on, then the second. By the time Jenny Lewis appeared on stage, it was 11:15PM. I really felt my age. I was angry. I wanted to be home in bed. How could she wait so long to start singing? I don't think I've ever been to a concert that started so late. I remember once going to see the Spice Girls and I got there really late on accident. They didn't have an opening act, but the concert was severely delayed due to technical difficulties. I'll never forget that one 12 year old girl a few rows behind me screaming "Where's Ginger?" with so much anger, I was shocked. Where is that girl now? Anyway, even that concert wasn't anywhere near as late starting as this one. And at least the Spice Girls had a malfunctioning spaceship to explain their tardiness on.
Well, I did start feeling better once Jenny opened up her mouth. She was great. Her band was great. But some of the crowd were scary. People kept screaming that they loved her. One guy interrupted her solo girl-and-guitar opener "Rabbit Fur Coat" with a yell of "You're a female Bob Dylan," which made her pause for a moment and smile. There were random guys trashing around to her songs. I admit, I'm one of those lame people who doesn't like to stand at concerts, I just want to sit and enjoy the music. I try not to judge those who do enjoy music in different ways, but when people are waving themselves around like they're having epileptic seizures, it's pretty distracting for a large part of the crowd.
Anger tinged with enjoyment. Bitterness mixed with happiness. Thinking it was partly worth it and partly not. All I know is after yesterday and today, I need a good night's sleep.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Jump Start

I don't know where she is. She's out there. She waits for AAA. It's overcast and breezy outside. I guess it's better that than the boiling heat of the last few days.
I wonder what she feels like. Does she feel stuck? Trapped? I doubt it. She's probably gabbing away on her phone, texting away to her friends about her random situation.
Of all the days for it to happen... why today? In my mind it's symbolic of something. Every moment in your life represents your life as a whole. She was just talking about buying vitamins.
Is she run down? Is the world telling her she needs some source of energy? She was smelling toast and then said the smell was like burning wires. It's all about electricity and energy. She was struggling to push through earlier. Not that she couldn't do it, she just didn't want to for some reason.
Her hair is lighter, but her load must be heavier. Is there some weight that's slowing her down, zapping her of her strength? I'm not sure what's going on, but if there's a blackout, I hope she figures out a way to turn the lights back on.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Catching Up with KB

Today I was lucky enough to have lunch with my old East Village roommate, KB (she's actually KH, but I'll still refer to her as KB) and her beautiful baby, AH. It was a very nice time, although driving there I was forced to wonder why everyone was on the freeway and not at work. I know I worked a night job here in Los Angeles for 7 years and had my days free, but I thought I was in the minority.
Anyway, we met at Real Food Daily and it was a really nice time. We figured it had probably been about 8 years since we've seen each other. (The last time being dinner in Santa Monica where we saw Marcia Cross pre-"Desperate Housewives!" It's weird how much you don't see friends in Los Angeles, you just assume they'll be there until they're not.
Seeing KB reminded me that I'm lucky enough to have a handful of people in my life that are just truly amazing. With those people, it doesn't matter how many years have gone by, but when I see them, there's nothing weird of awkward (at least for me) and I'm able to just pick up where I left off. Yes, I do realize it's a bummer because KB is really incredible and I miss her being around, but still, she's one of those people I'm just happy to know.

Just being around KB brought back a lot of memories. I remember moving out of the dorm and then moving from an apartment on 4th Street and Bowery to another on 12th Street and Avenue A, then wanting to leave that apartment and KB was the one who kept me from being out on the street. I just carried my stuff by hand from one building to the other.
KB had to deal with the fact that sometimes I turn ice cold and silent for days on end, but she was always there to talk whenever I finally did say something. We lived on 11th Street and Avenue B back when there weren't cafes and yuppies, there were drug dealers and trash.
On Mondays, we would have "Family Values Night," which would consist of "7th Heaven" and "Ally McBeal." Katharine would usually order pizza and I would eat cheese sandwiches, sometimes pasta. I remember how thrilled we were when Lara Flynn Boyle made a cameo on "Ally McBeal" as her character from "The Practice." I remember how much we loved those WB commercials where they combined the starts from all their shows.
I remember the night "Titanic" opened. KB came back with a friend in shock at how much she loved the movie. "You have to see it," she told me. "OK, I will," I said. "No, you have to see it now," she said and she got on the telephone to get tickets and we were on our way a few minutes later.
There are very few people on the earth who've had to put up being in the same space as me for extended periods of time. I intentionally avoid spending large amounts of time with people because I know I'm a handful and can get on people's nerves pretty quickly. Those who do make it through the K-gauntlet unscathed deserve a medal. KB endured and I'm a better person for it. She was always gracious, always caring, always quick to laugh. Getting to spend time with her today, I realized she still all those things and more. She's also an incredible mother.
Yes, little AH was amazing. A pure sweetheart with a contagious smile and a sweet and surprisingly prescient demeanor. He seemed more interested in throwing his stuffed monkey and pumpkin on the floor than eating. When he did eat, the food ended up everywhere and the face he made as KB gave him some tofu was pretty delightful, as was the carrot strand that somehow glued itself to his lower lip. As he and his mom headed off in their rented yellow Mustang I thought about how lucky they both were to have each other, and how lucky I was to get to spend time with them this afternoon... and the world made a little more sense.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Forty-Love, Truth

I have to admit, I really wasn't looking forward to playing in any tennis tournaments. I wasn't looking forward to playing any tennis at all. But the more I think about it and the more nervous I get, the more excited I get as well. I guess maybe it's the thrill of playing someone who's game I have no idea about, the opportunity to play a person who might be a lot better, another chance to see if I can put my nerves to bed for a couple hours and fight through. Plus, it's always fun to have to play best of 3 sets rather than just 1, it gives me a chance to try more than one thing. And playing doubles with B when there's something on the line is always a fun time.
The truth is, I really do want to play, I was just too scared to take the steps to do so. I was so clouded with moping and self pity, that I let it get in the way of a chance to try something fun and new. Of course, I would never tell B that. That would mean admitting that sometimes B knows what I want more than I do. And I could never do that.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Let Go

Letting go is hard for me. Sometimes people, sometimes things, sometimes ways of thinking. I'm a person who likes to stick to a schedule. In 3 1/2 years of college, I missed one class. In my 4 years of playing LATA tennis, I've missed one day of regular play. I rarely call in sick to work. I think it stems from some irrational fear of what might happen if I don't do something, even though I know what will happen is probably nothing. It's a little control-freakish.
I'm watching "Gossip Girl" as I write, and in voice-over, Gossip Girl herself just said this:
"Sometimes the most important thing to know is when to get out, and when to give in."
I know Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass's "Dangerous Liasons"-like war has nothing to do with where I'm at in my life, but I think my obsessive side tends to hold on and hold out too much. I don't take risks and I don't like to upset my status quo. I tend to stick around too long just because I'm afraid. Fear is rarely the best motivator.
There are things I'm thinking about letting go of, there are other things that I want to take risks on. I don't know how to figure out what I should do, but isn't the fact that I'm thinking about them so much a sign that I should be doing something about them?
Should I be like Jenny who quit her job? Should I be like Blair and go meet Chuck on the roof? Should I be like Serena and hold out on the offer? It's "Gossip Girl," so I'm sure everything will end badly. But aren't we all better off for them taking the chance?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Tick Tock

Another weekend almost gone. I didn't really get that much accomplished. Tennis is over. It's weird now that it's the first weekend without it in a while. It's always my way to cheat and make it seem like I've actually done something when I only really just played two sets of tennis in two days. I guess I need to find other things to do, especially because the season ended on such a flat note. There are tournaments coming up, but I can't say I'm really excited about them. I would have never thought to play them on my own, but B wanted to and since he seems to spend his free time trying to do things for me, I figured it was the least I could do. I just can't deal with going anywhere near anything resembling pressure.
I'm thinking about going to see a movie, but it seems like the last few weeks, I've been saying I've been wanting to see movies and ended up not seeing them. I don't know if it's all the action at work that's tiring me out or just lethargy or what, but I feel so out of it.
Ugh. The more I think about it, the more I just want to call it a night and go to bed.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

B & the House

I feel like the one thing that I want to do in life for sure is to own property. Any property. Somewhere. I mean, I have my ideal dream with specifics, but who knows when that's going to happen. At this point, I'd settle for a dirt lot somewhere, but it still seems pretty far off.
Still, I think it's easy to lose perspective. I was house-sitting this week at an amazing house. Beautiful design, amazing view, just gorgeous. But there were a couple nights when B was busy and couldn't come by. And I realized that I don't think any house would be worthwhile if B wasn't in it. And I think that as long as B were there, I could be happy anywhere, even if we were in my tiny studio apartment crammed full of junk. I think I tend to forget that it's not where you are, it's who your with and how you feel about it. I'm sure some people think I'm still in the honeymoon phase, but I think the honeymoon phase is just remembering not to take someone for granted. It's easy to get used to always having someone there and to start to forget what an amazing thing that is. I know I'm lucky with B and I don't ever want to get used to it.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Not Today, Yes Today

Despite a few hiccups and the general sense of feeling overwhelmed, this week was going fine. I was house/dog-sitting for a couple of friends and keeping things under control. That all fell away this morning. It was my last morning in the house and I was getting everything together before work because I wouldn't be returning. I emptied the trash, fed the dogs, took them out, picked up my stuff. I decided to load my stuff into the car early so I wouldn't have to worry about it.
I walked outside and put my stuff into my car.
I walked back to the door and tried to open it.
It was locked.
It was one of those moments where you just hope that there's been a blip in reality and you try again, hoping for a different result. I tried again and again and again. The door was locked shut, the keys were inside.
My mind starting racing, wondering what I could do. The house is in the hills and it's not like there are pay phones on every corner. Everything was inside: wallet, car keys, phone, the dogs barking. I didn't want to go knock on a stranger-neighbor's door at 7AM. I was spinning. B had stayed at our apartment because he was taking the cat to the vet and then had a dentist appointment. I contemplated walking down the hill and then to work in Van Nuys, which would have taken hours, but at least from there I would have a phone.
Still spinning.
I realized I had left the side gate open for the pool guy and went to the backyard. Their house has door after door after door and I tried each one several times, hoping I had mistakenly left one open even though I knew I hadn't. All the while, the pugs were barking at me as they followed me from glass door to glass door, thinking it was some kind of game. Next the windows. Locked, locked, locked. Should I just break the glass and pay for it? I doubt the guys I was house-sitting for would appreciate coming home to that. Ugh.
I felt sick and stupid. I was going to have to walk miles in flip-flops and arrive late to work without anyone knowing I was going to be late. Or should I just not go to work and spend the day in the backyard, waiting for G&J to come home? How embarrassing.
There were three screened windows left. I tried to get the screens off with no luck. I found a garden tool and used it pop one off. Locked. Next one, locked. The third window was the laundry window, narrow and small. Pop. Unlocked!!!! The window was small, but if had been a quarter of the size, I still would have forced myself in. I got a chair from the deck and crawled through.
The dogs were quiet, probably sensing my crazed state. I immediately grabbed the keys and looped them through my pants. I might have left stuff behind or something unclean, but I was just happy to have the keys in my hand. And somehow, I was still early to work.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Only My Brain Can Comprehend the Answer

I hate it when a person thinks I'm giving them attitude when I'm not. And then they give me attitude and then I end up actually giving them attitude. I realize I'm in the wrong by giving it back, but it ends up being a knee-jerk reaction.
But most of all _ ____ _o_. You're a hypocrite. You're unstable. Maybe if you would have spent more than _n ___r a_ w___ ____y, you might have known what was going on before you decided to spread your u_____re and ____tic knowledge around in the wrong directions. But I wish you awareness. I wish you love. I wish you stability. I wish you calmness. I wish you what you wish yourself. I wish that you slow down and start to think about how your attitude can affect the other people around you.
Think.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A at the Computer

She tries to quiet the voices but she can't. There's too much going on. It's a swirl she can't avoid. She dips her toe in and then takes it out. She tries to resist but she can't. She tries to get back on track. A track she's fallen off for weeks. There's no time like the present. She click click clicks away. She empties the thoughts onto the screen. They trickle out like magic. That sweet, rare liquid she graces the world with from time to time. Why does she keep it all inside? Doesn't she care? Doesn't it matter?

What A Girl Wants

I want to move to an Island off the coast of Los Angeles where you drive golf carts to the corner store and read poems with your girlfriends on park benches in the warm Southern California sun.
I want to get lost in a world of ferry rides and wind blown salt water hair.
I want to eat freshly caught lobster at a table on the corner of a dock and watch Mexican boys laugh as they dive off the bow of their makeshift summer home.
I want to sail from port to port with my dad and spend my days in trucker caps and scuba t-shirts.
I want to swim with the fish and kick my way to the corral reef to pick up starfish and sand dollars from the ocean floor.
I want to quit my job, sell my house, and write screenplays on a water proof laptop in the cabin of my Antique, wooden Chris Craft.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Ten-end

It's the last day of tennis league. I'm kind of glad it's over even though I do enjoy playing. I think I need a little break. I'll be interested to see how I play today, considering there's nothing on the line. The winner of my section has already been decided and there's no way else for anyone to catch him. I already blew my chances of moving up by losing 3 times this season. So far, I have a 7-3 record in singles and a 1-8 record in doubles. I'll end up 3rd ranked in singles and last in doubles.
My match last week showed me I have so much more to learn to get better. It's not just my head but my actual game. My strokes have a tendency to break down and I make too many mistakes. My serve can disappear for weeks at a time and I easily lose focus.
I guess I have improved, but it's hard for me to gauge. Maybe one day I'll be able to not work and just take tennis lessons. Until then, I'll work on improving my attitude and my game.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Sleep

I shouldn't be woken up from sleep. I alternate from being a deep to light sleeper, from being able to fall asleep quickly to not being able to quiet the thoughts in my head. I can't be responsible for things that happen in my sleep. And it's not like I'm taking Ambien or anything, it's just me trying to sleep.
Apparently, I've done suspect things in my sleep. Things that are too horrible to mention! And that's not even mentioning the snoring or shuffling around. I believe it, I've woken up in horrible, mad moods against people who I've dreamed about.
Although last night was a bad night, I did come up with a semi-decent sitcom idea. Maybe that's the trade off.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Dirty Laundry

I'll admit it. Although I try to do laundry as little as possible, there's something about it that I love. Not really doing laundry, but things associated with it. I've written extensively about lint traps and their magical beauty. I don't know what it stems from, but I've always loved laundromats, especially the twirling colors in the glass-doored dryers. I love the randomness as the clothes are sent up and then plop back down, sometimes staying in the same circular position for twirl after twirl and other times changing and piling on top of one another.
Recently I've letting my dryers sheets build up in the dryer. Instead of throwing away the old ones, I keep them in the dryer and add new ones to every load. The clothes in the dryer are clean, so I figure there's no harm. I've been doing load after load since last week and now the dryer is full of them. I'm not sure if they make that much of a difference, but I can't seem to stop. I think I dream of laundry that's super fluffy and so soft that you can barely feel it on you.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Choke

Last night was a painful night falling asleep. There was something (a grape I think) stuck in my throat and it hurt. It would flair up and then just sit there without going down. I tried eating bread, drinking milk, drinking water. It was stuck there and I just had to fall asleep with it... twice... because after falling asleep once, I woke up coughing and had to fall asleep again.
Then, tonight, I came home and started eating cheese. I took a bite... and started choking. The cheese was stuck in my throat. I was gagging and having trouble breathing. I took a swig of root beer to try to wash it down, but it wasn't going. My throat was convulsing as it tried to push it down or up and didn't know what to do. It felt like an eternity but finally I was able to spit it up in the sink.
What does it mean? The throat is supposedly representative of communication. Am I not communicating? Am I keeping silent? Am I keeping quiet when I shouldn't be? Am I saying too much and need to keep it down?
Or do I just need to chew my food more?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Salchow

I had a dream I was in figure skating class. Only the class was bigger and we had half of the rink to ourselves. We were being taught to do Salchow jumps and everyone was getting up speed and doing them. I could get ready to do the jump, but I couldn't lift off the ground no mater how much I tried. I seemed like everyone was just moving along and no one cared that I wasn't even jumping, I was just skating backwards and wanted to jump but couldn't left up.

Monday, October 13, 2008

A Dark Victory (6-4)

Yesterday's tennis matches proved quite daunting. During doubles, my partner and I decided to just go for it. We fought a team that was much better on paper and made it close. Alas, I went for it a little too much and ended up going for a forehand in the wrong position. I followed through and hit myself square in the face. I was more embarrassed than anything, but thankfully no one saw the actual incident. What they did see was the immediate bump over my eye. It was big and required icing, but I played on and we lost. That was just the beginning. I realized the guy I would be playing was a lot better than me. He was a substitute with a big lefty serve and a great forehand.
I was up in singles right after doubles and resigned myself to lose before I even started playing. The points weren't very long. I was just hitting hard at every possibility: sometimes in, mostly out. But the guy I was playing was making a lot of mistakes too. He double faulted, he sprayed balls. I realized he had to slice all his backhands because if he went for it, he would hit it out. I started directing all my serves and groundstrokes to it. Somehow I was still in the set despite the fact that I felt he could have beaten me 6-0. I was laughing to myself as I was playing, just wondering why we even were still playing. I don't know if my opponent didn't care, if he was nervous, or if he was just giving me the win because it didn't count for him. But I think he just gave it to me. And I accept charity. After 2 early breaks, I broke again for 5-4 and served it out. It was a weird win, especially because I was able to hit despite not caring at all. I think I need to learn to not care at all, then I can go back to caring a little and try not to care too much.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Joan Osborne

I went to see Joan Osborne at El Rey on Friday. I arrived pretty late, but actually just in time. Joan was on her first song, "Rodeo." I would have been exactly on time had I not had to drive around Miracle Mile forever looking for a parking spot. There was no wait as I got my ID checked. The woman scanned it and started laughing. I looked at her cautiously. "You don't look your age," she told me as she continued to laugh. I laughed as well before thanking her. I got my ID back and went to get my ticket.
Thoughts were racing through my head. I mean, it's good to not look your age as long as you look younger than your age, but am I that old that it creates laughter and comments? Was it because I had just shaved? Because I was wearing my glasses? Why was it so funny?
Luckily, Joan Osborne took my mind off it. She was amazing. Her voice hits you in the gut, so soulful and so smooth. It's big but never overpowering, just magnificent.
I thought about my age again last night. I went with B and DW to a bar to wish a friend happy birthday and they had the same scanning machine to get in. I saw B and DW's IDs get scanned and their ages pop up LARGE on the computer screen. I saw my age pop up and it seemed even BIGGER in more ways than one.
I guess I just need to let it go. The older I am, the more time I've spent on the earth. More music to listen to, more movies to watch, more tennis, more ice skating, more time with B, more things to learn, more time to accomplish something worthwhile. It's better than the alternatives.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Time with Me

You say you wanted
To 'spend time with me,'
But you went downstairs
And watched TV.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Acceptance

I'm open to criticism. Like everyone, it's not always easy to hear, but I try. I try to make things better, I try to explain where I'm coming from and take in what I'm being given. Still, there's better and there's different. Everyone has a viewpoint, everyone has a way of doing things. I think sometimes when a lot of people are involved in something, things get changed over ways of seeing things. Sometimes things are better, sometimes worse, sometimes the same. (The rate at which things change is related to people's rank above and below one another.)
I find it easier to let go of some things, but desperate to hold on to others. But I think sometimes I want to succeed and fail on my own. I think it's better to fail at something I have ownership over rather than succeed at something that's been totally compromised. There's something nice in a failure I can claim as my own. It's nice to be able to learn those lessons and be allowed to make mistakes.
Today I was allowed to have my own viewpoint and style, to do something like I wanted to do it. Yeah, it got changed, but I didn't have to change it. It was a small pleasure, but one I was happy to enjoy.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

A Letter

A mentioned writing letters and never sending them. I think it's a good idea. I've done it before on paper but never on a blog.
Dear ____,
Every little thing you do comes back to you in some way or another, sooner or later. I think we all know that instinctively. It's not making a decision and having to convince yourself of it, it's making the right decision. And it's not doing something someone told you to do, it's making up your own mind and being an adult. It's doing something and taking responsibility for it and not lying about it or talking in circles when asked a question. Sure, we all end up doing things we're not too proud of just to tow the line or to keep other people happy, but I think it's hard to justify keeping people down. You should never keep anyone down. When it's in your power, you should allow everyone in your path a way to get better, faster, stronger, smarter, happier, more content, more at ease, more confident. You should make it your mission to fight to uncover the best in other people.
If anything, I see in you what I don't want to be. When I pass you, I remind myself of how I never want to behave. I have such resentment for you because I can be like you sometimes: making excuses, talking around the truth, reaching for justifications. I hope I can get better at avoiding those mistakes in the future.
I wish you happiness--because you can only mistreat others as much as you mistreat yourself.
Best wishes,
K

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Ten-ice

I want to retire and spend the rest of my days taking ice skating lessons and tennis lessons and traveling. The days are dragging on lately. I'm just lucky I have something that's worth coming home to. Looking back, I would have never pictured myself in the situation I'm in. A little over a year ago, I was still working at night and had no direction. Currently, I still don't have a direction but (oddly) I think I'm going somewhere. I don't know why I'm going where I'm going, but I'm going there. I feel like once again, things in my life are just happening and I'm along for the ride. I think for the time being, I just need to go with the flow and let things happen. I want life to be like a blade on the ice just gliding along, like the effortless of a smooth forehand hitting winner.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Approval Ratings

I think we all want each other's approval. But where we vary is how far we're willing to go to get it. I think with me it depends on the person I'm wanting approval from. With some people, I could care less. With others, I'm totally desperate for it. It's interesting how the difference can totally shift the power in a relationship. It's so empowering when you can just write someone off because they don't mean that much to you. But the relationships that really matter are the ones where I want that approval and where things can get sticky.
I know people who want everyone's approval. They can't stand for someone to be mad or upset at them. I don't know what it's like to be that conscious of what others want. I know I deal with what I think other people's thoughts are, but to consistently try to live my life trying to be on everyone's good side would drive me a little crazy. Maybe I'm not that good of a person because I'm able to write people off. Maybe it's bad that I can be okay with people not liking me.
All I know is, there is something so beautiful about being able to let go. Just like there's something so beautiful about getting approval from someone you desperately crave it from. I guess what's important is figuring out who's approval is worth my time.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Planets of the Universe

"Planets of the Universe" is a great Stevie Nicks song (is there any other kind?). She wrote it in the 70s and tried to record it a few times, but she never managed a version she wanted to release until 2001. It's about life going on and how, in the big scheme of things, the little that seem earth-shaking end up melding into the big picture.
JG loves "Planets of the Universe" and I was thinking about him as I was listening to it today. JG moved to Washington yesterday. Yet another friend gone out of LA, and it's not like I have that many. Yet another person's life moving on. I'm happy for him. He has a plan and a dream and he's going to make it happen. Just like AJ and PR. People move on. I guess I'm kind of jealous. There are things in my life I want to move away from, but I think fear sometimes keeps me in the same place.
It's good to see people realizing that they need to live their lives. In the end, it all just melds into infinity, so I guess it's best to make the most out of what we have.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The River (1-6)

Well, my next card wasn't so lucky. I got completely taken down 6-1. I didn't think I was playing that badly, but I lost two games after being up 40-0 and didn't hit the shots I needed to hit when I needed to hit them. B and I have been hitting lately and I thought I was improving. I seemed to be hitting harder and missing less off both sides, but my shots were off today. Maybe it's growing pains or a lack of confidence or nerves. Maybe it was an off day. I don't know, I was outplayed again and couldn't figure out an answer.
I guess I'm not going to rely on luck to do things for me I should be doing myself.
B was adamant that I not punish myself for losing, but I couldn't bring myself to get my weekly Dairy Queen chocolate dipped cone. Maybe the remaining two weeks will be better.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

The Turn

I don't know much about poker. I actually have a secret resentment for it because its ratings are so good it's taking the television place of some of my favorite sports, mainly tennis and figure skating. But one thing I do know is the terms for the spread of cards on the table in Texas Hold 'Em: the flop, the turn, the river. I love those terms. Especially "the turn," it's so telling. I felt like a little while ago, some card somewhere turned and things turned.
I don't know if things are cyclical or if what goes down must come up or if if it's all just random, but after the agony of a while ago, things got better. Last Friday, I won the parking spot at work. I can't remember the last time I won a drawing. Then this Friday I got a very nice surprise in the mail. Tonight B took me to a fund-raiser and one of the acts, Terri Nunn not only did Stevie Nicks' "Dreams," she also did Olivia Newton-John's "Magic." Then Gavin Rossdale did Stevie's "Landslide." It was weird that some of my favorite acts were included in their own little way in the small sets. I take everything as a sign and it's weird when the signs come in clumps.
I don't know what it all means, but it's a much appreciated series of events after everything going on lately.

Friday, October 3, 2008

A Policeman & A Playboy

I had a dream that I was driving to work. In my dream, I was specifically driving with caution and trying not to do anything wrong, but I still got pulled over by a policeman. For some reason, I had a Playboy magazine in the car on the empty passenger seat next to me. I remember making it visible, thinking that it might work some magic and make the police officer let me off. Alas, it didn't work and the officer was talking to me and giving me a ticket without noticing the magazine. I remember starting to get upset because I knew I would have to pay money even though I had no idea what I did wrong.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

George Foreman

I've had a George Foreman grill for a while. My mom got it for me. I like it but it's big and a little hard to clean, so I don't use it as often as I'd like to. On the other hand, B has a mini-George Foreman grill. He almost gave it away when we moved in together, but something made me tell him to keep it. I'm so glad I did, even though I always forget it about it. I should do better to remember it more often. Today I made a sandwich in it. Two sandwiches actually. They were AMAZING. One was turkey and swiss, one was turkey and cheddar. No condiments, nothing extra. Just melted cheese and meat. The George Foreman turned my sandwiches into flavor sensations. I've made grill cheese in the grill before and they turn out amazing and don't require the two pounds of butter I usually use when I make them on the stove. Maybe it's the hot, melted cheese. Maybe the bread changes when it gets warm.
I don't know, I just thought I'd share.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Burning Down Mrs. Maudie's House

9th grade English. Mrs. Thomas. 3rd period.
I don't know why I've been thinking about it lately. Mrs. Thomas was kind of like a female version of Friar Tuck: jovial, nice, rotund, short hair. She was obsessed with vocabulary. I remember one week one of our words was "comely." I remember the guy sitting behind me making up his own definition: "having a fun time while masturbating." Mrs. Thomas told us once that her eyes would well up with tears at the same time every day, she didn't know why.
Anyway, Mrs. Thomas assigned us "To Kill a Mockingbird" and after reading it, we had to do a project based on the book. Most people did dramatic poster collages, some people did those diorama things. I got the bring idea to burn down Mrs. Maudie's house. I got a large wooden plank from my dad and went to work creating houses of cardboard and streets and yards of cardboard paper. The day came and I brought in my mini-town and lighter fluid. The class was brought outside. It was somewhat chilly for a Florida day and a slight breeze was blowing. I doused the house and used my matches. The house burnt down as the class watched.
It was a simple project, but I decided to burn something. Most people's projects involved shoe boxes or magazines, mine involved fire.
I can still see the house slowly burning as the chilly wind blew the flames.