Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Moving on Out

The last day of the year. The last day before I switch jobs. It's weird that it all timed out this way. I think I'm just kind of out of it in regards to the whole switch. I've known it was coming for such a long time and now it's here and it's just happening. I think it's just my defense mechanism, I just let it happen like it's out of my hands. But it's my life and it's people I spend a lot of time with and it's changing for the first time in a while. The last time things changed so radically, I ended up kicking and screaming for weeks, months, maybe a year. I hope I'm moving away from the dark and into the light. And I guess it's better that I'm actually taking the chance instead of standing still.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Flashing Lights

I was driving to work. I hurried to make a light towards the freeway--not because I was in a rush, but just because I didn't want to have to stop. I heard the siren and immediately went to the dark place. What did I do? I was rushing? Was I speeding? Was I unsafe? My tags are up to date. Was a light out? I just reattached my rear view mirror with glue, so that's not missing. What happened? I hate trying to figure out what I've done wrong. I hate that feeling of having done something wrong and not knowing what it is.
I turned on to the freeway on ramp and saw the lights flashing behind me. Ugh. It's the holidays, it's 8 in the morning. Is this really necessary?
The police officer was just entering the highway, he passed me and went on his way. I hate driving.

Monday, December 29, 2008

French Dreams

I had a dream I was at the French Open. But it wasn't like the real French Open, it was like an indoor bull ring where everything was lit by a soft, red light. Rafael Nadal had made the final and his opponent was... some 8 year old kid. I remember thinking "How did this kid get through six rounds?" But I explained it to myself by thinking he must be a clay court specialist. I thought, maybe he just has speed and gets everything back all the time, waiting for whoever he is playing to make a mistake. The crowd was wild and the kid was no match for Rafa. Towards the middle of the third set, he just sat down. Rafa came over to check on him, but he was too tired to continue. At first, the kid's brother came on the court, wanting to play until the kid's dad came over and picked up his son, telling Rafa that it was over.
The most stunning thing about the dream was the soft, red light. It was so amazing how everything in the bull ring took on that tinge of red.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Slipping

I can't make it. I feel like screaming. I feel like throwing a tantrum. Don't make me go back! Don't make me go back! There's too much to do, too much to see. I don't want to go back to that little box. The hours are slipping away. When the days seemed plentiful, things were fine, I didn't seem to mind, but now that my time is numbered I feel things slipping through my fingers. It's out of my control. My days are numbered. I can see myself pacing like a cat behind bars, tense and unpredictable. My brain searches for a way out, but there isn't any. I look out my window at the darkness and in my mind I actually think "I've experienced my last sunset." I don't know why things seem so final, like there's no other time but now. R & H know something's up and they're trying to comfort me. They are telling me it will be fine. I want to believe them.
Endure.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Just a little bit longer

I'm so thankful that time has gone by so slowly. Usually with breaks in work, I blink and they're over, but this one has seemed to have lasted. The days seem longer. Maybe it's because all I'm doing is reading and a few activities here and there. I don't know, but I know I needed this. I needed a few days to clear out the brush so it doesn't catch fire when the winds start blowing again. Now that Monday is nearing, it's a little stressful thinking about going back to that. But I think I can survive. I think I can make it.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Carnage

After playing tennis with DW, I was dressed and ready and knew if I took a nap or waited too long, I wouldn't be able to leave the apartment for the rest of the day. I knew I had to push through and do what was needed. It was "Twilight" that made me do it. I had to venture out. I was reading the second book way too quickly and realizing that I had to have the third ready in case I finished sooner rather than later. I ventured out... to Target. Big mistake.
The Burbank Empire Center was a nightmare. Cars everywhere, piling up in long lines along all the roads and the stores were full of people going in and out, lines that stretched across the store. Part of me wondered if I went in, would I be able to get out. To think, before I left, I was thinking it was a Friday afternoon and Christmas was officially over, how bad could it be. The answer was horrible. And the reason I was there, the last two books in the series, were all gone, except for copies of the ones I already had and one copy of "Eclipse." I thought I would show them, I wouldn't wait in line for just one of the books and would just go to another Target and get both.
Well, I went to another Target and it was worse. It was weird because at the moment I was there, it seemed like 90% of the billions of people in the store were waiting in line. I went to check the books, they had two copies of the fourth book and none of the third. I wasn't going to make the same mistake. I took one of the copies, which looked like it was in better shape than the other--which meant it looked like it fed on by vampires maybe three times instead of four--and waited in a shorter line in the back of the store.
It wasn't so bad. I had my iPod and try to focus on how funny it was that seemingly everyone was out of their house and shopping at the exact same time and what a mess everything was. I saw a lady muscling through the line and making loud comments about "Rude people on Christmas." I made it through and got in my car and drove for closer to home.
The drive was scary. Everyone was in a hurry and making crazy choices on the road. I tried not to get caught up in it. I listened to my radio and took deep breaths. I finally made it to Borders or Barnes and Nobel. I never know what Bookstar in Studio City really is and although they were out of the softcover of "Eclipse," they had plenty of the hardcover. Fine. I took it, I bought it. I picked up some milk at Vons and went to lock myself indoors. I would prefer to stay indoors reading the rest of the weekend, but I don't think I can get away with it.
I just hope next time I venture outside, it isn't anywhere near the madness of what it was today.

You Can't Say That I Am Not Your "Friend"

Which is it? Do you want to know everything or do you want to stay out of it? You can't have both. You need to pick a side and stay there. There was a time, not long ago, when you said how much you hated it when people who called themselves "friends" would omit information or not tell you the whole story. So I have tried my best, to fill you in on everything that I have found out...or overheard...or been told (even in confidence). I have tried to be what you describe as a "friend". But, you have pulled away. Maybe it is for your own protection, because it is all too much for you to take in. Maybe you are just afraid of getting hurt...again. I thought we were in this together? There was a time when I was fighting for myself, clawing my way to the top, and you were upset that I wasn't sharing the whole story. So I looked inside and I decided what was more important...and I chose you. I chose you. But things have changed between us. So from now on, you can't be mad at me if I hear some information and I choose not to tell you. You can't be mad if I fight for something and choose to leave you behind. You can't say that I am not your "friend." I have tried. You are the one shutting me out and choosing not to tell me the whole story. You are the one omitting information. If you were my "friend" you would talk to me about your feelings and tell me if there was something you needed from me...I am not a mind reader. "Friends" share their truth, even if it is not easy.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

False Alarm

Thank goodness everything is okay. I'm watching firetrucks parked in the middle of the street right outside my apartment. I was sitting on the couch, engrossed in "New Moon" and Bella and Edward's doomed love affair when I heard the ringing. It sounded far away, so I really didn't pay much attention to it. Suddenly, the firetrucks were here, lights flashing, horns blaring, and firemen walking to the building next to mine.
I got a weird panic feeling, like, "What do I do?" "Where are the cat carriers?" "Where do we go?" "What should I bring?" "How much time do I have?" "Are all the hotels full?" "Shouldn't I be wearing more than just my underwear?"
They're leaving now and I'm glad I don't have to deal with any horrible reality that might have happened.
Mabye, on this Baby Jesus Birthday, I'm being reminded that it's not the things that matter, it's the cats. It's all about the cats.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Some Secrets Should Never Be Spoken

I usually want to know everything about everyone. I've always had a natural curiosity about people's stories and where they come from and what they've done. But lately I've been realizing that there are things I don't want to know. It's one thing when I'm prying for information but it's another when the information is just handed over on a platter with no warning. There are some things that should be left unspoken. There are some things that damage my brain and stay dormant inside only to flare up at the most unexpected moments.
I was at church tonight. It was a Christmas service and my brain was partially on fire. I couldn't concentrate, there were all these things going through my head. It felt like one of those moments where you grab your hair with your hands and shout out loud because you just can't take it anymore. Luckily, I kept myself together.
It certainly doesn't feel like Christmas Eve tonight. With the rain falling and the sudden onslaught of things to deal with at work. And my brain on fire. Thank goodness I have a couple days to pull it together.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Robot Sent Down

Sometimes I'm at a loss when it comes to human interactions. I feel like a robot or a space alien sent down to study behavior without knowing exactly what's going on. My mind ends up like a scratched record, repeating the same lines over and over with no payoff. When I see certain people together, the record starts skipping.
For me, connecting with someone isn't something that happens often. It's pretty rare, and I find that when people are together in any kind of relationship it's usually easy to spot why: romance, work, friendship, common interests, sexual attraction, stuff like that. I do realize that I'm the last person to be trying to dissect relationships. Maybe the weird thing is not being able to connect with people that often, and the normal thing is just forging connections out of whatever is available.
Still, it brings me back to certain people. I know things about these people, not deep things but patterns and small histories, some facts and stuff. I think about certain combinations of people and become mystified. I journey somewhere in my mind where I imagine conversations, interactions, exchanges. My mind just can't comprehend what's going on.
I think I'm giving myself a headache.

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Calm After the Storm

I'm expecting chaos. It must be around the corner. Things are going too smoothly. There should be bumps, there should be setbacks. But I don't want them.
Today I drove B to the airport at 4:15AM. It was raining and I made it back home in time to sleep for a little bit before work. I almost overslept, but was actually early and things went well. It was pouring rain again as I drove to work. I really need new windshield wipers.
Now I wait for tomorrow, the big day to see how things are going. I'm nervous. I want things to continue going smoothly. I don't want to even think about things going not smoothly because I don't want that to even be an option.
I guess I'll know what happens when it happens, but for now I'm just going to enjoy the peace and calm.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Returns

B and I went to play tennis for the first time in a while. Surprisingly, I hadn't missed playing that much. I think it was all the pressure from league and the tournaments and I was just happy to not think about it for a while. I've still been watching tons of it on TV. The Tennis Channel is playing all the best matches of the year and it's hard not to get caught up again in Rafael Nadal's triumph over Roger Federer in the Wimbledon Championships.
I was shocked when B and me first started hitting today. Things went well. I was hitting the ball better than I have in a long time and it felt really good to play. The ease of playing didn't last the whole time we were there and I found myself struggling as the day went on, but hitting well made me realize how much I love playing when all the nerves and pressure and voices in my head aren't involved.
I want to remember how it felt in those first minutes of playing. I want to always play like that--with freedom, with a sense of fun, with a sense of enjoyment.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I Saw Him

B and I were in the car on the 101 near the 101/170 split. I looked over and there he was. It was some beat up blue car. We were staying on the 101 while he was going on the 170. It was Santa Claus and he looked happy in the front seat on the way to wherever he was going.

Friday, December 19, 2008

My New Obsessions

1. "Twilight"
I made B go with me last Saturday to the first showing. I wasn't expecting much and there were tons of movies I wanted to see, but that's the one I chose. I got our tickets and woke B up from his slumber to go. The movie had massive flaws, but it also has a crazy, romantic spirit that I couldn't resist. I love doomed romance and obsessive love. Someone told me a long time ago that I had the taste of a 14 year old girl. I guess I still do. I went out and bought the first two books. It's not Harry Potter, but it will do.
2. Jenny Lewis & Rilo Kiley
It started out slowly. A while ago, JG gave me a copy of "Under the Blacklight." Then I read an article comparing Rilo Kiley to Fleetwood Mac. Then I was buying more of their CDs. Then I saw Rilo Kiley in concert at the Greek and started listening to them more. Then "Acid Tongue" got released and me and B went to see Jenny Lewis at the Orpheum. It's been most all I've been listening to ever since. Songs I didn't think I liked, I started liking. It's very similiar to my love for Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac. I like the non-Stevie Fleetwood songs, but her songs are the ones I love the most. I like the non-Jenny Rilo songs, but her songs are the ones I love the most. Current favorites "A Man/Me/Then Jim," "Does He Love You," "I Never," "Pictures of Success," "The Big Guns," "Rise Up With Fists," "Silver Lining," "Close Call," "Under the Blacklight," "The Next Messiah," "Godspeed," and many more.
3. The Shadow Side
I've been looking for the darkess in people. It's there in everyone, but with some people it's more obvious in others. I like seeing how it manifests itself from person to person, how it varies. I like that some people shy away from it, while others embrace it, while others try to make it more than what it is.
4. Vegetable Soup
When B and I go out and it's on the menu, I order it. So far, the big bowl at California Chicken Cafe has been the most impressive. I made my own batch from scratch and it's been hitting the spot on these cold nights. I could never figure out the base broth, I thought it had tons of spices in it, but when B's mom came, she made it and it was amazing. She just used canned whole, peeled tomatoes and added vegetables.
5. Mao Asada & Johnny Weir
They are pretty much the reasons I started ice skating. I was shocked when Miss ML ripped into Johnny when I said I wanted to be like him in class. But to me there are none better. They are both so light on the ice, they're fluid and beautiful and amazing.
6. Lindsay Davenport
I'm so mad at how she's messed with me this past year. She has a baby, retires, comes back, plays, stops playing, plays well, plays badly, enters the Australian Open, announces she's pregnant and withdraws. Ugh. But I will always love how she hits the ball. No one else hits like that. And unlike Mary Pierce and Justine Henin, it's not like what's she's done is unforgiveable. I will never forgive Justine for retiring in the 2nd set against Amelie Mauresmo in the Australian Open Final. And I will never forgive Mary for taking a 16 minute time out against Elena Dementieva in the US Open Semi-finals. But with Lindsay I'm just selfish and love her. I still hope she comes back some day.
7. Reading in the bathtub
I'm usually more about listening to music in the bathtub, but with the weather like it is, I like just getting a book or magazine and taking my time. All the pages end up getting crinkled and wet, but I can't help myself.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

For a moment, the world makes sense

Preface: Usually I ignore people trying to get my attention while I'm riding my bike. Most times they're yelling at me, throwing ice at me, trying to swerve into me. I just try to avoid everyone.
Today on the way home I was riding in the cold, in the dark. I was in a rush to get home because me and B were going over to a friend's for dinner. On the bike path there was this guy who yelled out to me and even over my iPod I heard him and put on the brakes.
"What street is that?" he said pointing.
"Van Nuys," I told him.
"Excellent. Thank you very much," he said and continued on his way.
"No problem."
I ruminated on the exchange for the whole ride back. I kept thinking that life should always be that way. It should always involve people communicating and being polite and respectful and making an effort and appreciating one another. There was something beautiful in those few seconds. I don't know why it touched me like it did, but I was happy to be part of that moment.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

In Drag in NY

Last night I had a dream that I was walking around in New York. I ran into GP, who was dressed in drag. I didn't think anything was weird about it and he seemed perfectly fine. The strange thing was, it wasn't just drag. It was a full make up with prosthetics and fancy clothes. He even had a fake spray tan. His wig was long and blond. It didn't even look like him, but I knew it was him. We stopped and talked about the mail he had to deliver and we went on our ways. He seemed really happy and I was just glad that he was enjoying himself.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Part of the Day

I've been so focused at work lately. It's like I'm walking a tight rope and if I look down, I'll go falling into some abyss. There are parts of me that are really worried and questioning and others that are excited.
My sister called and left me a voicemail. With the wind chill, it's 17 degrees below and they are expecting even more snow on the ground in Milwaukee. It makes me scared to mention the cold here, but for here, it is cold. I'm cold. It's hard to get out from under the blankets in the morning. (Although when B leaves earlier than me, it is easier to get out of bed.)
It's even harder to convince myself that I should ride my bike to work. Luckily, it's also been raining, so I've been forced to drive, and I gladly drive in my bare feet with the heater on.

Today at the gym, Terry was working with his new big fish. It was nice seeing him busy and away from me. I was still there when he finished and got a little nervous as he passed by, but nothing came of it. He just walked on by without a word.
Some of the new kids were talking about one of their friends today. BFH called my attention to what they were saying. They were commenting on how old their friend was. Now how old, but saying he was old. He's 23. I was shocked, sad, scared, and tried to avoid thinking about it.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Atonement

Today is the day. It starts now. It's my chance to do unto others as I would have them do unto me. Four new people started work today. It's hard to believe that a little over a year ago, I was one of them. Except these new kids seem eager and on the ball. My transition into my day job wasn't easy. For months after my job started, I was kicking and screaming internally. I was moody and easy to irritate. I was a little lost as to what to do, but didn't want to ask questions. I'm sure I wasn't easy to work with, but there were still things that went on around me that I didn't appreciate. I guess now is my chance to be there, to answer questions, to not be in such a bad mood about it. I realize there were a lot of good things about the time I had and I want to make sure those good things continue. And now that I know the bad things, I can try to steer clear of them. That's the true test. Instead of continuing to do things just because they're done that way, it's time to make things right that weren't right before. It's time to let freedom ring.
The last couple days at work have been like a mirror. I've seen my bad behavior reflected back at me and it's time to deal with it. It's gross having to admit my faults and try to steer clear of being the ultimate hypocrite, but it's a lesson I need to learn.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Old is New

Back in the day I used to get a lot of people commenting on how I looked, usually in reference to me looking like someone. It was sometimes someone specific, but most times it was just "someone." As in, "You look like someone," but the person saying it could never think of who. Recently those comments just seemed to have stopped, but this weekend people were commenting again.
Someone said I looked like I should be on reality TV and not working on it. Another one said she thought she worked with me. Maybe it's my hair, maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's leaving the house and running into new people. The weekend culminated in someone apologizing for not listening to what I was saying because she was staring at my eyes. I just find it strange going forever without any comments and then they all come at once.
It reminds me of how I started working at my current job. MM turned in my resume to Human Resources along with a link to some essay I wrote about how within a few weeks one year a bunch of random people told me I looked like Joey McIntyre. AA, the head of Human Resources at the time, was a big fan of New Kids on the Block and thought it was really funny. My interview pretty much consisted of talking about Joey and I started work a few days later.
I went to a Vedic Astrologer a few years ago and he explained that our lives are cyclical, that certain patters emerged over years and years: renewals, setbacks, discoveries. I wonder if something now is relating to something then. It does seem like there are things happening that feel like a new start. If renewal is coming, I hope I've learned a few lessons and don't get stuck in a rut again because I'm scared of change. There are some things that aren't worth repeating.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Last Night's Dreams Starring BFH & B

I had a dream that A and me went with BFH and his girlfriend to go get a tattoo. She had a very specific one in mind and sat down in the chair as we watched the tattoo guy start. He started drawing lines that were roots around her wrist. She wanted a tree there. BFH warned us that it wouldn't be pretty and his girlfriend, M, started to squirm. A and I wanted the tattoo guy to stop but BFH assured us that she always responded to getting tattoos like this and it was no big deal. Anyway, she ended up fainting and the tattoo guy kept on creating a tree around her wrist. BFH stayed with her while A and me went to wait out in the lobby.
Then later, I dreamed I was visiting my sister. A lot of people were there, including B and NW from work. B got upset that it was so crowded and by a comment that mom made, so he left and walked in the snow to a bus stop. I ran out to follow him and waited in the cold and the snow with him until the bus came. Suddenly, there was a whole crowd at the bus stop and a yellow school bus pulled up. I charged to the front to make sure we would actually get on because I didn't want to spend more time waiting in the snow. I got on and the inside of the school bus was amazingly big and seated everyone with room left over. We were on our way and ended up at the mall, which thankfully wasn't that crowded.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Terry Hooks a Very Big Fish

Yes, Terry was there again today. He looked kind of dismayed. There were a lot of people around, but he was just sitting on one of the benches. I prayed he'd stay away from me. And he did. Seems he started randomly talking to a guy who looked about 6'4 and they had a long conversation. I wondered if Terry was giving the tall guy the hard sell, but whatever he said seemed to work. Terry stood up and patted the guy on the back and they walked downstairs together. Terry seemed so happy. I guess Christmas came early for him.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Terry & the Winds of Change

Thankfully Terry left me alone today. I saw him lurking and skipped two machines and went right to cardio just so I could make sure I didn't have to deal with him today.
In other news, it's like a storm is raging around me. I'm trying to stay calm. I guess it's part of my avoidance issues. When things get stressful, I tend to withdraw and just let things happen. I'd rather relinquish control and go passive and not take an active part in the winds of change. I guess part of me just wants to push the button and stand back and let the chips fall where they fall. I feel kind of numb. I'm going dead inside. I just want things to work out!

"Moving On Up"

Everything is about to change. Why does change look so good when it is months away? It's like your neighbor, who looks really hot when he or she is across the street, but when she comes closer and stands on your front porch requesting a cup of sugar...you wonder what you were thinking. Everything appears better when it is not in front of your face. When you are not forced to take action, to deal with something that has only been a fantasy.
Something that I have wanted for a very long time, is about to happen. I am merely hours away from seeing the results of something I manifested months ago. I remember sitting outside at the Galleria on a sunny LA day with my NLP life coach, Danny, and together we visualized this very thing, even down to the timing. I saw it in black and white and than in color. I heard the words being spoken and saw myself smile and accept the offer.
And now...here we are.
Hold on K...this is going to be interesting.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Continuing Adventures with Terry

I sit there thinking it's all in my head. I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm just making this thing an issue because my life is as plain as a blank piece of paper. Terry bothered me once and he'll never bother me again. He's a smudge. But a smudge on a blank piece of paper calls attention to itself.
I'm in the gym and doing my frantic workout. I don't see Terry, but still I'm hurrying. His ghost haunts me. Then I see him, the ghost materializes, he passes by. He's talking to someone else. Good. I move on. Keep moving. Keep moving. I'm in the corner working on my shoulders. He approaches. It's earlier in the day than I'm used to going to the gym, so there aren't many people in the gym. There is absolutely no one between me and him. I write fake text messages that I'll never send in between sets to keep busy.
Why does Terry keep coming around?
Keep up the good work.
Everything will work out fine.
I must admit, I want to know what's up with him, with his gray hair and mustache, with his pot belly, with his black shoes and pants and white socks. He looks like he would be at home playing Santa Claus. Do you have a wife, Terry? Do you have kids? What's your home like? What's your favorite movie? How many times has your heart been broken?
I'm still thinking of things I can tell him if he talks to me, mean things. Things that will make him never want to bother me again. I turn away and look out the window.
He leaves. I continue. I move on to a new machine. Terry has disappeared. I move on to another machine. Terry reappears. He's approaching. He reaches out his hand for me to shake. I oblige.
"That's not a shake," he tells me and makes me shake his hand again.
I laugh nervously.
I can't use any of my lines. I can't be mean to him. It's a weird personal quirk, I tend to only be able to be mean to people who mean something to me. Only those I love are witness to the true depths of my evil.
"So, do you want to bulk up?" he asks.
I thought we had this conversation.
"No," I say and laugh nervously.
"You're sure?" he asks.
I still know that not wanting to bulk up is like poison to him.
"Yes," I say. I mean, I wouldn't mind bulking up, but it's not my main goal in life.
"I saw you working out shoulders before," he says.
I laugh nervously.
"You know, you could look like Clark Kent. You could be Superman," Terry tells me.
Really, Terry? I'm sure you use the same line on every small, nerdy guy with glasses.
I laugh nervously.
"That doesn't really interest me," I reply.
"Are you sure?" he says, surprised.
I laugh nervously.
"I'm going to get you to do a fitness assessment," he says.
He must be trying to use the power of positive thinking. Is he reading Tony Robbins? He must be trying to manifest.
I laugh nervously.
Finally, he walks off. I can go back to my music. I need the soothing tones of Jenny Lewis, Rilo Kiley, She & Him. A moment. Oh no, he's coming back.
"Wait a minute. Are you afraid of success?" he asks me.
What is this? Is this part of your power of positive thinking Tony Robbins thing? Is this your secret weapon that's going to break me down, make me call you and schedule a fitness assessment?
Well, Terry, yes. I'm afraid of success. I'm also afraid of failure. I don't like to take chances. I box myself off so I can avoid anything and everything. I like to play it safe. I don't like the unknown. My life is sectioned off. I keep myself back from opportunities. I find it easier to say no. I'm scared of the world. Do you really want to go into this now? Do you want to know my fears? Do you want to know about my childhood?
He asked me if I was afraid of success.
"No," I answer.
"Okay. Just wanted to check," Terry says and walks off.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Yellow Trans Am & More Terry

I had a dream last night that I bought a yellow Trans Am. I was just driving by and knew I had to have it. It was in great condition and the guy let me have it for $8000 just because he knew I wanted it so badly. It was dirty and so I got it washed and it came out looking like new. I ended up driving it to a record store in the city (it was a cinch to parallel park) and after I went inside, I realized I had forgot to put money in the meter. So I went out and found the parking enforcement lady at the car, but she was so impressed by it, she just said to put in some change.
In other news, my workout was once again rushed. I saw Terry and started darting from machine to machine again. In between sets I would tie my shoes over and over or stretch out for fear he might judge me for taking too long. While I was using the free weights, he came over to put all the weights in their right places and was only a few feet away from me when doing so. He said something to me, but I didn't hear him. I noticed he had trouble figuring out what weight went where. It seemed odd to me, since I'm constantly rearranging the misplaced weights all the time. And it led me to the same old question. Why can't people put weights back where they belong? And why did Terry have to talk to me in the first place, leading me to obsessively worry about him talking to me again?

Monday, December 8, 2008

Everyone's A...

I think part of my fear of Terry comes from the thought that might stand and watch me and start criticizing me. I admit it. I'm horrible with criticism. I think it stems from college. I remember my 2nd semester Freshman year in Writing Workshop II, a required class. I had written a wacky essay on Tori Amos's "Baker, Baker" that was a defense of all interpretations of everything (such ambition!). We had to workshop our papers and one guy in class wrote, "This essay labors under the illusion that it is enlightened." I was shocked. I mean, what was I supposed to do with that?
It seems to me that in workshop situations, the best criticism comes from people asking how to make your work better, not telling you why your work is bad. That class changed something in me. I stated to get scared. Although we were required to workshop our papers, I ended up getting around it and never sharing another thing in that class. When I went on to other writing classes, I continued to share as little as possible. I think my fear of people's disapproval has kept me from sharing a lot. And it's probably why I'm so defensive. Nowadays, I rarely ask for criticism, so when I get it, it's not something I'm good at dealing with.
I do realize criticism can be good. I can call upon AA, GF and TB for examples of teachers who knew the right things to say. And KI was always supportive and intuitive when it came to getting to the root of what something was. Even at ice skating, I actually love getting criticized by Miss ML. I guess it comes down to respect. If I respect you, criticize away. Still, it's a big responsibility. The people I respect are the ones most capable of hurting me. When I don't respect someone, that's when things get even more dangerous--when a stray comment or a moved comma can seem like a declaration of war.
I guess part of me wishes for the days when I labored under the illusion that I was enlightened., instead of living with the belief that my enlightenment is illusionary.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Ticking Numbers

Change is nearing. It's creeping up on me. My main coping defenses are avoidance and denial, so when I know something is coming, I just don't think about it until I absolutely have to. There's something that's been on the horizon for a while, and now it's almost here. I thought I was okay with it, but the closer it gets, the more sick I'm feeling. I guess I'll just deal with it when it arrives, but the anticipation is killing me. I don't know what it about it that's making me anxious. I think I fear failing horribly, or not being good enough, or not getting it, or of wasting everyone's time. I know I should be thinking positive thoughts, but it's always so much easier to go to the scary places.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Hard Sell 2

The gym yesterday was a tense experience. I was working out and then saw my new friend, Terry. I found myself darting from machine to machine just to avoid him. I didn't want to make eye contact for fear he might attack. I think what upset me more thinking about the whole situation with him is that he obviously went after me because I'm smaller than all the normal loud, 'roided out manly men and I'm sure he assumed I wanted my own imposing physique. He never seems to bother the guys who slam weights around and never put them back after they use them. I saw him go after one of the older guys too, so I guess I'm not alone. I found myself coming up with things to say to him so I could be ready in case he bothered me. Alas, I was able to avoid him by just cutting my workout short when I saw him nearing again. I ran to the cardio machine and never looked back.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Clean Start

I cleaned out both my email inboxes and now I find myself obsessively checking them for new email. I don't know if I'm waiting for new email as a sign that I exist and am able to connect with people, or if I'm waiting so I can just delete whatever arrives and keep things clean and uncluttered.
I guess I'm in a cleaning mood. After thinking about it for a while, I removed an old blog of mine off the internet. I made sure to save the entries and started reading them. It didn't take long for me to get distressed at the pages and pages of ramblings. I had/have this mentality that I'm trapped, I'm stuck. But looking back 5 years ago and seeing things from a new perspective makes me realize I've chosen every single thing that's happened to me. I've made the choice to be inactive in some things and overactive in others. I'm starting to get cold sweats as I write this. It's hard having to face up to things and admit that I'm here because I put myself here, not because of some grand plot against me. It's hard sitting and looking at a record of my mistakes, wondering what I've learned and if I've even started to put things right.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Hard Sell

One of the reasons I like the gym is just because of the enjoyment of getting away from work and doing something semi-productive with the time I don't have to be there. I know I take my time and probably don't lift correctly or count the time between sets right, but whatever. It's partly meditative and restoring just getting away. I like listening to my music and zoning out, nothing more and nothing less. That's why it was a rude awakening to be bothered yesterday by Terry, a trainer. He came up and introduced himself in the middle of my workout.
"So, what are you trying to do there?"
"I'm just trying to stay tone."
The words were blasphemous to Terry.
"You mean you don't want to gain muscle?"
"No," I told him.
I thought that would get him off my case. But after asking me my age and telling me I looked a lot younger, he launched into a monologue about how I would be more impressive to girls with more muscle and I needed to watch out because once I got older, I could be walking around with a spare tire.
"You like girls, don't you?" he asked.
"No," I answered, getting a slight, horrible flashback to when I came out to my parents at a Burger King.
Unlike my parents, Terry seemed to selectively not to hear my answer.
"You have to be careful asking that around here," he chuckled.
"Yeah, it's Los Angeles."
He kept bothering me. He wouldn't stop. I was trying to be polite. I had no intention of working out with him and he knew it, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He kept wanting to set up an appointment. There is no way I wanted to spend any amount of my free time with someone like him.
"Why are you just sitting there?" he said, motioning for me to get back to lifting.
"Because you're talking to me and won't fucking shut up," I thought, but instead just continued my exercise.
"There's the muscle," he said, watching me creepily.
"Yeah. It's hiding. It only comes out for special occasions," I answered.
He finally left me in peace, but made sure to come back when I had moved on to another machine.
I ended up skipping some machines and just moved on to cardio to make sure I was away from him. I felt invaded in my quiet sanctuary. I sat there hoping he wouldn't ever bother me again and make my alone time uncomfortable and strange.
I didn't go back today. We had a department lunch.
I'm scared for the next time I go back. I don't want to be bothered. I want to work out alone, doing whatever exercises I want to do in whatever way I want to do them, listening to Jenny Lewis and zoning out.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

This World Is Way Too Big For You

Overly sensitive people get on my last nerve. It's like I have to watch every word that comes out of my mouth, every step I take has to be delicately lifted and placed as to not throw off their mood or their fragile way of being in the world. I am tired of the smallest sentence being taken completely out of context or read into way too much. Sometimes, things said and/or done are merely what is written on the page...nothing more or less. Just because YOU take everything personally and think everyone and everything is out to get you, does not mean they actually are. But, do as you wish. Continue to close off the world and the people in the world one by one...until it is just you left alone in a tiny box - Just as you would want it to be.

Flashes

Sometimes when I squint, I can see clearly without my glasses. It doesn't last long, but it's nice to have perfect vision even if it's just momentary. I feel like my brain stretches in the same way sometimes, when a simple action or comment can show something for what it really is. And either I realize it and take stock of it, or life just goes on in the same way. I've had a couple of those moments lately, for better or for worse. People just seem to be revealing themselves lately. I don't know if it's because of my mood that I'm seeing things this way or if it just is. But I'm not questioning it. I'm just trying to remember the past and how it's not the impressions made by getting to know someone that end up counting in the long run, it's the little moments that seem inconsequential--those little flashes when the truth comes out that are so easily missed. It's easy to talk myself out of them, but it's usually to my own detriment. I'm trying to file things away and adjust appropriately.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Lunch with Madonna and Family

Last night I had a dream about having lunch with Madonna. We were at some dive pub place and the whole family was there: Lourdes, Rocco, David, and even Guy. There were two different tables and tension between Madonna and Guy, although it wasn't horrible. Surprisingly, Madonna didn't complain about the greasy food on the menu, but Guy wasn't happy with it. He wasn't in the mood for any of the entrees and just seemed over the whole experience.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Today

Ugh. It was fine until I actually got to the street that I work on. Then I saw the car and the building and just thought of everything bad. Work wasn't that bad today. It was just work. I guess any job would be the same. I'm sure it's much nicer to have free time and do whatever it is you want, but that's not an option for me. So I work. I try to perform. Try to do right. Try to pay the bills without thinking about weeks, months, years from now.
I had a long conversation with JL today and it kind of freaked me out. We were talking about emotions and politics and the economy and music and afterwards my brain was kind of friend. It's easier not to think about difficult questions sometimes. It's easier to just have faith and not really question yourself. Right now I'm still tired and I think I might need a few days of easy before things get difficult again.