Clean Start

I cleaned out both my email inboxes and now I find myself obsessively checking them for new email. I don't know if I'm waiting for new email as a sign that I exist and am able to connect with people, or if I'm waiting so I can just delete whatever arrives and keep things clean and uncluttered.
I guess I'm in a cleaning mood. After thinking about it for a while, I removed an old blog of mine off the internet. I made sure to save the entries and started reading them. It didn't take long for me to get distressed at the pages and pages of ramblings. I had/have this mentality that I'm trapped, I'm stuck. But looking back 5 years ago and seeing things from a new perspective makes me realize I've chosen every single thing that's happened to me. I've made the choice to be inactive in some things and overactive in others. I'm starting to get cold sweats as I write this. It's hard having to face up to things and admit that I'm here because I put myself here, not because of some grand plot against me. It's hard sitting and looking at a record of my mistakes, wondering what I've learned and if I've even started to put things right.