Black & White

Thinking about my post yesterday, I was suddenly reminded of something my therapist told me over and over and over again. Session after session. She would always say that my tendency was to want to see things in black and white, as one option OR another, yes OR no. She always warned that thinking like that is a danger because there's a whole lot of gray area in between the extremes that I tend to move things towards.
She tried to drill it into my head that there's a whole lot more options in the world, things that I kind of block myself off from seeing. Just recently I've been reminded how much I've forgotten about that, and how easy it is to fall back into dangerous ways of thinking.
Just like my tennis matches this weekend. My first 3, I played completely defensively, my last 1 was completely offensive. I couldn't figure out a way to do both, to take the best qualities from them and create something better.
An answer can be yes AND no. I can like someone AND dislike them. I can be happy AND sad. It seems so simple, but I'm so skilled at polarizing things--so skilled at choosing to make something the absolute, wrong thing to do.
It's one thing to be irrational. It's another to realize I'm being irrational and continue doing it. To still keep taking huge swings at the ball even though it's a losing game I'm playing.

I bet you think this blog is about you (Don't you? Don't you?)

I've been feeling like a teenage girl who's dating a guy from the wrong side of the tracks lately. Everyone wonders what I'm doing with him, everyone wonders why I would make a choice like that. People aren't afraid to tell me so and I've heard it over and over again.
Do I really feel that strongly about making this choice? Am I being stubborn and deciding to go against everyone else's wishes just to show them up? Am I playing the bruised martyr who's looking for salvation?
At this point, I don't really know what I'm doing. Things aren't coming together like I wished they would. There's a fog that's descending. It's one thing with someone gives you their opinion and you disagree with it. It's quite another when everyone seems to think you're doing the wrong thing but you're resolute that you're not.
When I was 15, I took a couple weeks of tennis lessons. I wasn't a natural. Tryouts for the Fort Walton Beach High School tennis team came up pretty soon after I started playing and my coach said I might as well try out even if I wasn't ready. I tried out. I played two matches and was beaten badly. I defaulted the rest of my matches and quit playing for years. I just walked away. I rediscovered tennis a few years ago and LOVED it. I must admit I think about all the years that I missed because I backed down and the improvements I could have made and the fun I could have had.
When I watched Andy Roddick win the 2003 US Open, I saw someone fearless. Someone taking chances, not backing down. Someone forcing the issue. Watching him made me want to play again and to maybe do something to make those wasted years right.