French Dreams

I had a dream I was at the French Open. But it wasn't like the real French Open, it was like an indoor bull ring where everything was lit by a soft, red light. Rafael Nadal had made the final and his opponent was... some 8 year old kid. I remember thinking "How did this kid get through six rounds?" But I explained it to myself by thinking he must be a clay court specialist. I thought, maybe he just has speed and gets everything back all the time, waiting for whoever he is playing to make a mistake. The crowd was wild and the kid was no match for Rafa. Towards the middle of the third set, he just sat down. Rafa came over to check on him, but he was too tired to continue. At first, the kid's brother came on the court, wanting to play until the kid's dad came over and picked up his son, telling Rafa that it was over.
The most stunning thing about the dream was the soft, red light. It was so amazing how everything in the bull ring took on that tinge of red.

Returns

B and I went to play tennis for the first time in a while. Surprisingly, I hadn't missed playing that much. I think it was all the pressure from league and the tournaments and I was just happy to not think about it for a while. I've still been watching tons of it on TV. The Tennis Channel is playing all the best matches of the year and it's hard not to get caught up again in Rafael Nadal's triumph over Roger Federer in the Wimbledon Championships.
I was shocked when B and me first started hitting today. Things went well. I was hitting the ball better than I have in a long time and it felt really good to play. The ease of playing didn't last the whole time we were there and I found myself struggling as the day went on, but hitting well made me realize how much I love playing when all the nerves and pressure and voices in my head aren't involved.
I want to remember how it felt in those first minutes of playing. I want to always play like that--with freedom, with a sense of fun, with a sense of enjoyment.

Lessons Learned: Thanksgiving Edition

1. I can survive days without the internet. I was mostly missing Blogger, Facebook, and Hotmail, but I was fine without them and was kind of surprised at how I don't really get that many important communications.
2. Never order steak well-done at a hotel Thanksgiving dinner. Or turkey. The well-done steak will be bloody and the turkey will be mostly giblets. And it's probably best to avoid all the sides as well.
3. When playing in a tennis tournament, I should take exactly enough Gatorade to get me through to the finals. I just grabbed a bunch when I was leaving and didn't really calculate how much I would actually need. So I just always had it, until I lost 6-4, 2-6, 7-5 in the semifinals. I was on my last bottle in the last set and blew a 5-3 lead. (Of course, last tournament, I took tons and lost in my first match. And I felt pretty stupid.)
4. My nerves are there or they aren't. I don't know what does it. I lost the first set in 2 of my matches and was still able to win them. In my last match, I lost the first set, won the second and was on the verge of winning the third but came up short.
5. No matter how fit I think I am, I can still cramp up. Badly. Ouch.
7. When eating a Japanese steakhouse, realize that when you're seated in random groups, there is room for anything to happen. B and I were seated with a father/girlfriend/father's son group and a mom/dad/2 sons group. It was a surreal occasion. Everyone wanted to talk, but I don't go to dinner to talk with random strangers. The people were interesting, but it got overwhelming at points. Especially when the mom would freak out at the father's son and the chef over any drug reference made in jest at the table. "This is not the time and place for that type of humor!" I hope she watches the commercials on TV and talks to her kids about drugs before it's too late.
8. Never stay in a hotel where you have to walk a mile from the elevators to your room.
9. No matter which one it is or when I start watching, "The Lord of the Rings," trilogy is always good (even with commercials). And I like the fact that "Return of the King" has 400 endings. They had to wrap up 10 hours of movie.
10. I'm getting more and more obsessed with Jenny Lewis and Rilo Kiley.
11. It's easier for me to recover from a lost match when I'm ready to get back home.
12. When I arrive home, the cats will first seem cold and distant. But after a while they will show me that they actually did miss me. Or at least let me think they did.
13. I think work is making me physically ill. I haven't been feeling well for weeks and I have some extra days off of work and now I'm fine. I don't know if it's the water or the air or the smell or what, but if I go in tomorrow and start feeling sick again, I'm not going to be happy.
14. It's interesting to take stock of the people I think about when I'm away. And the people I don't.
15. As much as I like to aim for people at net in doubles, when I actually hit them, I feel bad. Sorry, RJ.
16. Avoiding the 10 Freeway and instead taking the 57 or 605N to the 210W to the 134 can be a good move.
17. Sometimes saying yes when I want to say no is a better choice.
18. Always hit through the forehand. Whether it's going in or not.
19. Poolside sometimes means a view of the pool through trees and the roof of the cafe stretching out underneath your room.
20. My right thigh has a mind of its own. After years of Yoga trying to loosen it up, it finally just gave out of nowhere. I can almost do the splits.

Tennis with Friends

I have to admit, lately I've been over tennis. But today B got a call from some friends who wanted to hit and I agreed to go. It was surprisingly nice. No matches, no points, just hitting back and forth and good shots and bad shots and no pressure. What a difference the situation makes, but it was a good reminder that it doesn't always have to be pressure and nerves, there's another part of the game that I tend to ignore and it's the part that just involves having fun. I think my work now is to rediscover the fun part: not freaking out when I miss, not getting angry when I'm playing badly, not letting my nerves get the best of me, and not judging myself when I do let my nerves get the best of me. It's hard to be nice to myself, but hopefully I can make more of an effort.

Forty-Love, Truth

I have to admit, I really wasn't looking forward to playing in any tennis tournaments. I wasn't looking forward to playing any tennis at all. But the more I think about it and the more nervous I get, the more excited I get as well. I guess maybe it's the thrill of playing someone who's game I have no idea about, the opportunity to play a person who might be a lot better, another chance to see if I can put my nerves to bed for a couple hours and fight through. Plus, it's always fun to have to play best of 3 sets rather than just 1, it gives me a chance to try more than one thing. And playing doubles with B when there's something on the line is always a fun time.
The truth is, I really do want to play, I was just too scared to take the steps to do so. I was so clouded with moping and self pity, that I let it get in the way of a chance to try something fun and new. Of course, I would never tell B that. That would mean admitting that sometimes B knows what I want more than I do. And I could never do that.

Ten-end

It's the last day of tennis league. I'm kind of glad it's over even though I do enjoy playing. I think I need a little break. I'll be interested to see how I play today, considering there's nothing on the line. The winner of my section has already been decided and there's no way else for anyone to catch him. I already blew my chances of moving up by losing 3 times this season. So far, I have a 7-3 record in singles and a 1-8 record in doubles. I'll end up 3rd ranked in singles and last in doubles.
My match last week showed me I have so much more to learn to get better. It's not just my head but my actual game. My strokes have a tendency to break down and I make too many mistakes. My serve can disappear for weeks at a time and I easily lose focus.
I guess I have improved, but it's hard for me to gauge. Maybe one day I'll be able to not work and just take tennis lessons. Until then, I'll work on improving my attitude and my game.

A Dark Victory (6-4)

Yesterday's tennis matches proved quite daunting. During doubles, my partner and I decided to just go for it. We fought a team that was much better on paper and made it close. Alas, I went for it a little too much and ended up going for a forehand in the wrong position. I followed through and hit myself square in the face. I was more embarrassed than anything, but thankfully no one saw the actual incident. What they did see was the immediate bump over my eye. It was big and required icing, but I played on and we lost. That was just the beginning. I realized the guy I would be playing was a lot better than me. He was a substitute with a big lefty serve and a great forehand.
I was up in singles right after doubles and resigned myself to lose before I even started playing. The points weren't very long. I was just hitting hard at every possibility: sometimes in, mostly out. But the guy I was playing was making a lot of mistakes too. He double faulted, he sprayed balls. I realized he had to slice all his backhands because if he went for it, he would hit it out. I started directing all my serves and groundstrokes to it. Somehow I was still in the set despite the fact that I felt he could have beaten me 6-0. I was laughing to myself as I was playing, just wondering why we even were still playing. I don't know if my opponent didn't care, if he was nervous, or if he was just giving me the win because it didn't count for him. But I think he just gave it to me. And I accept charity. After 2 early breaks, I broke again for 5-4 and served it out. It was a weird win, especially because I was able to hit despite not caring at all. I think I need to learn to not care at all, then I can go back to caring a little and try not to care too much.

The River (1-6)

Well, my next card wasn't so lucky. I got completely taken down 6-1. I didn't think I was playing that badly, but I lost two games after being up 40-0 and didn't hit the shots I needed to hit when I needed to hit them. B and I have been hitting lately and I thought I was improving. I seemed to be hitting harder and missing less off both sides, but my shots were off today. Maybe it's growing pains or a lack of confidence or nerves. Maybe it was an off day. I don't know, I was outplayed again and couldn't figure out an answer.
I guess I'm not going to rely on luck to do things for me I should be doing myself.
B was adamant that I not punish myself for losing, but I couldn't bring myself to get my weekly Dairy Queen chocolate dipped cone. Maybe the remaining two weeks will be better.

Revenge (6-2)

I was nervous coming into today's match, but I think my opponent was more nervous. He had beaten me at the beginning of the season and it was on him to win. I was able to play pretty well, but he was constantly going for crazy drop shots and lucky for me, he was missing. The beginning was pretty tense, I had 3 break points that I couldn't convert and thought it was going to be a repeat of last time. But I steadied myself and was able to play a good mix of offense and defense.
Doubles was exciting too. It was a back and forth battle that ended in a tie-break and we won 7-6 (5) for mine and my partner's first doubles win of the season.
B won his singles and was still in the mood to play afterwards, so we went to John Burrows High School in Burbank and played some more. I was smacking the crap out of the ball and it was going in and wondering why I can't play like that during league. I guess the day I figure that out is the day the mysteries of the world come clear to me.

Holly Golightly on a Tennis Court (6-3)

We lost doubles in quick fashion. We went down 6-1, although I felt I was playing well and making some good shots, especially because I haven't been playing that much.
It wasn't long before I was up for my singles match. I was so nervous. I even felt shaky. Things started out normal with both of us holding serve, but then something took hold of me. I willed myself to take it easy, not get stressed out and just try to play. For once it worked, I was skipping around and my shots were doing what I wanted them to do. Weird backhand slice drop shots, the loopy but safe forehand, the serve, the backhand down the line, passing shots, things were clicking in a way they normally don't. As I changed sides, two of the guys watching were giggling.
"Why are you laughing at me?" I asked, assuming the topic of conversation was me.
"We can't tell you right now. We'll tell you later," one of them said.
Things went on fine, until I was up 5-2. During the game, the woman I was playing asked me how old I was. I didn't want to tell and she made some comment about it. I tried to laugh it off, but I was thinking about it. I had match points in that game, but didn't win any of them. I was broken for the first time. I was somewhat worried but tried to calm down. The next game got even stickier. I had more match points but couldn't convert. I didn't know whether to play safe or aggressive, to junk ball or swing out. Luckily, she was being aggressive and I was forced into defensive mode, scrambling for a hard volley away from me and hitting a strange slice-lob over her head. It got to 2nd deuce, which is a sudden death point. I somehow found a way to be aggressive and won the point and the set on what I think was my 5th or 6th match point. Luckily it didn't go any further, I don't know what would have happened if it had.
Yikes, that match was a little of everything. Hitting well and effortless. Hitting well through nerves. Succumbing to nerves and hitting badly. Playing passively and missing easy shots. And some luck.
After the match, I went up to the guys who were giggling at me earlier.
"What were you laughing at?" I asked again.
"I just said, 'You have a very Holly Golightly way of playing tennis.' And then he said 'I can see him in a little black dress and pearls.'"
"I'll take that as a compliment," I laughed.
At least through all the inner torment and tribulations, I can look like I'm just having fun.

Pre-Match Jitters

I don't know why I care, but I do. I've barely played tennis in the last three weeks and have a match today with one of the better players on my level. I just want to do well, to hit the ball, but who knows. After last week's loss, my confidence is low and I feel a little at sea. It's strange how things can just turn around. I can blame it all on not playing too much or not feeling well, but the truth is, my head can't wrap itself around doing what it takes to win. Last weeks loss was a feeble effort lacking in intelligent play. I was just out-hit and didn't know how to respond. It makes me worry that the only wins I've had lately are from other people having worse times with their nerves. I don't know, the nerves are back and I want them to go away. At ice skating on Wednesday was so nervous my legs were shaking. It all goes back to the pressure I put on myself wanting to do well. Miss ML said it's best to do things stupid, to not think about them. I guess my goal should be to be stupid today.

6-2

I got lucky today. I was playing someone who's beat me the 3 previous times we've played. I was nervous earlier, but once we got there, I was just hitting and playing fine. Nothing special. Luckily my opponent wasn't playing his best and I was just steady. What was the most interesting thing about it was the thoughts that were going through my head.
"I haven't been broken yet."
"I always get broken, it's probably coming soon."
"He's not playing well."
"He'll probably start playing well soon and I'll get nervous."
"I'm surprised I haven't double faulted yet."
"Just shut the hell up and get the ball back in the court."
It was difficult to silence my brain, but although I had a little case of nerves serving it out, I got some easy errors and it was over.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is just get the ball back into the court.

Barely

Just when I think I'm over something... Today's tennis match was streaky. I thought I played all right during doubles, but singles was another story. It was a crazy match on both ends. I lost the first two games, won the next five, lost the next two and then won the deciding game to win 6-4, carelessly squandering match points along the way. My opponent seemed more nervous than me and I didn't know what kind of game to play.
I lost that calm quiet where I just... play. I want it back and my goal is to not make what happened today a habit. Hopefully win or lose, I can return to playing the kind of game that I want to play. I don't want the nerves to come creeping back in. I've dealt with them for too long and thought our divorce was final.

Tennis Lesson

Some days it flows, some days it doesn't. I won my tennis match 6-1 on Sunday and I really never felt nervous. I just did what I needed to do. I think sometimes I try a little too hard to play a certain way when it's just not in me. I think we all want to be Supemen and show off our flashy best. But I think it's a long learning process to realize that I have to live up to my own potential, not what I think others want of me and not strive for things that aren't within me. Not that I'm managing expectations or using it as a cop out, but no one has it all. I think it's taking me a long time just to find out what I do have. I think part of my current state is compounded by my first trip to the gym in almost 3 months. I'm at my heaviest and it's a weird feeling. But I have no one else's expectations to live up to but my own. I guess I'm just always trying to find a way to be comfortable in my own skin.

Drowning in Tennis-sea

I wasn't really disappointed at losing 6-3 to someone I had beaten the times we played before. I was more upset at my lack of emotion at losing. I went out there just to hit hard and serve hard. I actually hit 2 aces and a couple more unreturnable serves, which is a lot for me and made a handful of good shots. The rest was just bad mistakes. But instead of being torn up about it, I really didn't mind either way. I would have liked to have played better but wasn't that upset I didn't. It's kind of upsetting that I'm not upset. After the continuing drama of last season, there's nothing that big to be playing for. I'm just hitting a tennis ball. I guess I need to find some drama, find some enemy, find some drive for me to play. I guess I need to figure out a way to make me want it more. I do want to improve, I do want to play better, but hitting a couple times a week isn't going to do much. I have improved my serve, but I don't really have the time or money to make a surge in how I play. I think my mental struggles are over and now I'm just dealing with my limited talent and ability. It's a different place for me to be and I guess I just need to find a way to get comfortable here.

Come Back, Roger Federer

Roger Federer lost again. That's not a good sign. As much as I always hoped for someone to take him down, to see him fall so rapidly is shocking and upsetting. I think I always wanted him challenged, but I didn't want to see him dethroned. Maybe it's a momentary lag--there's still the Olympics and the US Open. Maybe this is just a little window to let people know they shouldn't be taking him for granted. It's strange seeing how even the most holy of us can fall without warning. But that's the price for scaling higher than everyone else.
I guess it's hard being witness to someone's mortality when he seemed so immortal. It reminds me that if the greatest can fall, anyone can follow.

Safin & Dechy

There was definitely some magic today at Wimbledon. One of the best days of 2nd round matches I've seen. One match was a very talented Russian, who has fallen by the wayside, taking on the 3rd ranked player and another was a Frenchwoman with limited talent against the world's #1 player. They both were amazing for different reasons. Both involved some luck and ups and downs and fight, but what I loved most was the heart involved. I was brought off my seat. I screamed into my pillow repeatedly. I cried.
What was most amazing was the composure and class of the people involved. Everyone was throwing everything they could at each other. Everyone was faced with amazing circumstances but remained cool.
In the end, someone I wanted to win won, and someone I wanted to win lost. But I hope to take away the spirit of the matches I saw today, to realize it's best to stay cool and do your best and you never know what might happen.

M. Safin def. N. Djokovic (3) 6-4, 7-6, 6-2
A. Ivanovic (1) def. N. Dechy 6-7, 7-6, 10-8

Playing with Fire

After about 10 match points saved, B and me went down in the finals of the doubles tournament. For some reason, we were seeded 2nd and only had to play one match to get into the finals. That one match was crazy, though. We lost the first set quickly 6-2, the second set started to slip away just as quickly and we found ourselves down 5-2, 0-40. 3 match points. I don't know what happened, but we ended up winning that game, and the next. In the next game we were down 2 more match points, and saved them again. From then on, the other team just seemed to lose their confidence and we got more steady as we all baked in the sun. We ended up winning 2-6, 7-5, 6-2. It's crazy when you realize you can be so far out of a match, you're practically at home in the shower, and you win it.
I thought the final might go the same way, we were down quick in the first set and made a surge but it wasn't enough and we lost it 6-4. The second set started out the same as the last match and I ended up being down at least five match points on my serve. Luckily, my serve had picked up and we kept in it, but it wasn't enough. We played with fire too much and finally got burnt, losing the final 6-4, 6-2.
Still, it's always fun on the court with B. He's so unlike me, not really caring if he wins or loses. He tries and has fun, but he realizes it's not life or death. It's a good balance to my over-dramatic attitude. After the match, someone commented that he thought it was too much that we played together. I wouldn't want to play with anyone else.

Black & White

Thinking about my post yesterday, I was suddenly reminded of something my therapist told me over and over and over again. Session after session. She would always say that my tendency was to want to see things in black and white, as one option OR another, yes OR no. She always warned that thinking like that is a danger because there's a whole lot of gray area in between the extremes that I tend to move things towards.
She tried to drill it into my head that there's a whole lot more options in the world, things that I kind of block myself off from seeing. Just recently I've been reminded how much I've forgotten about that, and how easy it is to fall back into dangerous ways of thinking.
Just like my tennis matches this weekend. My first 3, I played completely defensively, my last 1 was completely offensive. I couldn't figure out a way to do both, to take the best qualities from them and create something better.
An answer can be yes AND no. I can like someone AND dislike them. I can be happy AND sad. It seems so simple, but I'm so skilled at polarizing things--so skilled at choosing to make something the absolute, wrong thing to do.
It's one thing to be irrational. It's another to realize I'm being irrational and continue doing it. To still keep taking huge swings at the ball even though it's a losing game I'm playing.

6-3, 6-2, 6-1, 3-6, 6-3, 6-2, 6-0, 1-6, 4-6

My calves are killing me. This weekend I played in my second tournament and ended up playing 9 sets of tennis over 2 days. What's strange is that I'm used to playing tennis for hours and hours but something happened on Saturday that took me to the brink.
My first match went well. I wasn't really nervous and played not to loose, the guy I played was more willing to make mistakes and he did and I won. My second match was against someone I had played once before a while ago. The first time we played it ended in a tiebreak, which I barely one. This time I got off to a great start and thought I was going to get by easily. I was really, really wrong. The second set was a complete reversal of the first and he took over, I put up some fight towards the end but it wasn't enough and he won. The third set seemed never ending. The points went on and on and on and on. Almost every game went to deuce. Then came the cramps. I would be running and my right leg would just lock up. I would try to do whatever I could just to stay in the point without moving much. Then my left leg starting cramping, then my right arm and then my left arm! I have never experienced anything like it. Strangely, I was never really nervous during playing. Yeah, there were a few hesitant shots, but not strings of them. I think my nerves have moved from my mind to my body. Anyway, after almost 3 hours, I was able to win the match.
The next morning, I had a little bit easier time. What's strange is through the 3 matches, I wasn't playing to win. I was playing not to loose. I barely hit winners and would just loop the ball up in the air. Everytime I intended to hit through the ball, it would just be the same shot as any other, a looped ball up in the air, just hoping not to make a mistake and hoping my opponent would make one. Even trying to warm up, my shots just didn't seem to be there anymore.
Well, it was enough and I made it to the final. I knew the guy I was playing was pretty good, so I just made and effort to go for it. Somehow my shots were there. The guy I was playing had a good mix of offense and defense and he was able to counter mostly everything, but I played pretty well. I went down swinging and had my chances--a lot of chances that my opponent kept me from capitalizing on. For the first time in a while, I wasn't devastated by the loss. I had hit some good shots. Although I lost, I played the way I wanted to play. I had control over my shots, it just wasn't enough.
I'm trying not to get too much in my head about how I played. I don't want to think about how it was to play with nerves now that I know what it's like to play without them. I just want to continue finding my game, one match at a time.

WIN 6-3, 6-2
WIN 6-1, 3-6, 6-3
WIN 6-2, 6-0
LOSS 6-1, 6-4 (FINAL)