Bitter

I remember my 6^th grade teacher handing out awards to the class at the end of the year. While she was handing the last one out, she announced that it was the first time she had to create a category for a student because the award wasn’t something she was ever compelled to award before. The student was me, and the award was for “Outstanding Cheerfulness.”

That was 6^th grade. A year later, I remember someone coming up to me in gym class and asking “Why don’t you ever smile?”

I don’t know when the line was drawn. When did I go from being outstandingly cheerful to never smiling? Looking back, I feel that once I crossed the line there was no turning back. And things just keep getting worse and worse. I have recently been called “moody,” “bitchy,” and “angry.” I’ve been told that my “snarky-ness cuts like a knife.” It’s not like I want to be those things, I don’t take pride it those attributes. It’s embarrassing being viewed as some sour spoilsport.

Although no one has said it, I’m scared that I’ve been pickled in these negatives so long that I’m edging closer and closer towards bitter. How do I get back? I wonder if my innocence is lost. Now that I’ve opened up my mind to darkness, can the light ever shine through?

I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be one of those people others see and ask “What happened to him to make him like that?” But every day it seems I inch closer and closer. My moods are most often foul. I scowl more than smile. Where is salvation?