Lessons Learned: Thanksgiving Edition

1. I can survive days without the internet. I was mostly missing Blogger, Facebook, and Hotmail, but I was fine without them and was kind of surprised at how I don't really get that many important communications.
2. Never order steak well-done at a hotel Thanksgiving dinner. Or turkey. The well-done steak will be bloody and the turkey will be mostly giblets. And it's probably best to avoid all the sides as well.
3. When playing in a tennis tournament, I should take exactly enough Gatorade to get me through to the finals. I just grabbed a bunch when I was leaving and didn't really calculate how much I would actually need. So I just always had it, until I lost 6-4, 2-6, 7-5 in the semifinals. I was on my last bottle in the last set and blew a 5-3 lead. (Of course, last tournament, I took tons and lost in my first match. And I felt pretty stupid.)
4. My nerves are there or they aren't. I don't know what does it. I lost the first set in 2 of my matches and was still able to win them. In my last match, I lost the first set, won the second and was on the verge of winning the third but came up short.
5. No matter how fit I think I am, I can still cramp up. Badly. Ouch.
7. When eating a Japanese steakhouse, realize that when you're seated in random groups, there is room for anything to happen. B and I were seated with a father/girlfriend/father's son group and a mom/dad/2 sons group. It was a surreal occasion. Everyone wanted to talk, but I don't go to dinner to talk with random strangers. The people were interesting, but it got overwhelming at points. Especially when the mom would freak out at the father's son and the chef over any drug reference made in jest at the table. "This is not the time and place for that type of humor!" I hope she watches the commercials on TV and talks to her kids about drugs before it's too late.
8. Never stay in a hotel where you have to walk a mile from the elevators to your room.
9. No matter which one it is or when I start watching, "The Lord of the Rings," trilogy is always good (even with commercials). And I like the fact that "Return of the King" has 400 endings. They had to wrap up 10 hours of movie.
10. I'm getting more and more obsessed with Jenny Lewis and Rilo Kiley.
11. It's easier for me to recover from a lost match when I'm ready to get back home.
12. When I arrive home, the cats will first seem cold and distant. But after a while they will show me that they actually did miss me. Or at least let me think they did.
13. I think work is making me physically ill. I haven't been feeling well for weeks and I have some extra days off of work and now I'm fine. I don't know if it's the water or the air or the smell or what, but if I go in tomorrow and start feeling sick again, I'm not going to be happy.
14. It's interesting to take stock of the people I think about when I'm away. And the people I don't.
15. As much as I like to aim for people at net in doubles, when I actually hit them, I feel bad. Sorry, RJ.
16. Avoiding the 10 Freeway and instead taking the 57 or 605N to the 210W to the 134 can be a good move.
17. Sometimes saying yes when I want to say no is a better choice.
18. Always hit through the forehand. Whether it's going in or not.
19. Poolside sometimes means a view of the pool through trees and the roof of the cafe stretching out underneath your room.
20. My right thigh has a mind of its own. After years of Yoga trying to loosen it up, it finally just gave out of nowhere. I can almost do the splits.

Another Another Letter

Dear ________,
I do it too. I read a book or watch a movie or listen to a song and identify with it. It's the human condition. We want to relate to things, we want to have that connection. We want things to be about us. We're naturally selfish creatures. We view the world from our own view point, it's unique and the sum total of our genes and our parents and friends and siblings and where we lived and everything else that led us up to this point. This point right now. And it's different for everyone, but we want a commonality. We want to know we're not alone. We want to think that we're the most important thing. And we are... to ourselves.
In the future, when I write letters, you should take whatever you want to take from them. It doesn't matter if they are actually to you or to someone else, if you recognize something in them in yourself, take note. If it doesn't apply, just brush it off and say to yourself, "K's being a K today."
But here's what I'm asking you. Don't ask me to explain myself. I'm not forcing you to read this. I do it for myself. I think a lot of people come here looking for A's wonderful writing, but instead find my self-indulgence and rambling thoughts. I've been told as much. People asking "Why would you write that? Why would you put that in a public blog." It's because I can.
A while ago I slowly started making the decision to try to be more open. Back in the day people accused me of always listening to them and never sharing my own ideas and stories. I think I didn't share because I never felt I had anything important to say. I never felt like what I said had any value. I still feel like that sometimes, but I've been trying to be more open. And this is one of the ways I try. It's good for me.
Everything is fiction anyway.

The Small Room

I dream of a small, white room with a big window looking out on a large yard with maybe a couple trees. There's a small bed, maybe a dresser. I'm locked in the room with no way out. The window opens slightly, but not enough for me to get out. I'm in there for days, weeks, just thinking. There's a record player and some records, maybe some books, some paper and a pen. All I do is write, sleep, listen to music. I'm in there until I'm ready to come out, whenever that is. It's not a set time, it's a feeling.

Mood Swings

I'm used to mood swings. My own mood swings. They're fine when I have them because I'm used to them. It's like a wave you have to ride out, not knowing exactly how and when things are going to turn. But other people's mood swings are another matter. What's even more disconcerting is when you have to deal with more than one person's. It's horrible, but I guess it's some kind of karma payback for people having to deal with mine.
Today I had to deal with insults disguised as jokes, a hyper attitude, unexplained cheeriness and sometime disinterest. It was a shock to have these things thrown at me out of nowhere on what seemed to me to be just another Monday. It was scary. It is scary because I don't know how to deal with what I'm being given. I don't know what action a reaction will provoke. I don't know what word will calm things down or make everything even more uncontrollable. It's at times like this when I start to believe in the stars and planets and the pull of the moon because there were just a lot of unexplained things going on around me.
Or maybe it's all me. I have an idea in my head about a line. Once you step over, everyone changes. But it's not everyone that changed, it's your view of everyone else. And you can't go back once you step over it. But that's a theory for another time. Until then, I'm riding the wave.

Another Letter

Dear ____,
You're crazy. You're irrational. You make big issues out of little ones. You stress about the things you shouldn't stress about and don't stress about things you should stress about. You're ungrateful for the things you have. You complain when there's nothing to complain about. You let your ideas about things overtake the actual experience of doing them. I think you really just need to let go of all the pressures you put on yourself that drive you crazy. As much as you try to stay in the moment, it always seems like you're more worried about the end result.
It's time to get yourself together. Start being more decisive. Start trying to figure out what you want from life and do it. I think there's too many questions you're afraid to answer and you're always looking outside yourself for some miracle cure. I mean, does anyone get those? What makes you think you're so special? It's time you realize you're no better than anyone else. And no worse. Stop trying to be nice and be nice.
And get back to me when you get a clue.

Lucinda & Alice & B's Friend

I don't like thinking about sequences of events. Whenever I do, they start to seep into my brain and cause me anxiety. Last night, I had tickets to see Lucinda Williams at the Wiltern. B called ahead of time and found out she wasn't taking the stage until 10PM, so we delayed leaving. B took a nap and I looked through my DVDs for something that would act like training wheels for my thoughts. I picked the Disney version of "Alice in Wonderland." It's always been my favorite Disney movie and even though it's loopy and trippy, it's somehow comforting.
So, I watched it until it was time to go. Once at the Wiltern, we ran into some friend's of B's. They were really nice and we talked a while. But at one point in the conversation, my wheels started spinning off. Seems one of B's friends out of nowhere mentioned wanting to open a tea shop like a chain in New York called Alice's Tea Cup which are themed around "Alice in Wonderland."
Of all the days for me to pick that movie to watch. I haven't seen it in years probably. And for us to arrive when we did: at the exact same time B's friends were arriving. And for the conversation to turn to tea and "Alice in Wonderland." I don't believe there are coincidences, things happen for a reason, but I hate not knowing exactly what the reason is. I try to add and subtract, divide, extrapolate, factor, square, find the reciprocal, graph the answer. Like when events like that happen it's sign that there's buried treasure if you can only follow the map correctly. As of right now, I'm still searching.
In other news, Lucinda Williams was amazing. She did a good mix of old songs and new, although there were a few favorites I wish she would have done. Some of the songs transported me back to New York when I remember listening to "Car Wheels on a Gravel Road" over and over and over again. At one point she brought on Susanna Hoffs and Matthew Sweet for some harmony vocals and it was really exciting for me. I had never seen her before and now I realize I've been missing out. But at least now I can cross her off my list. I don't think B enjoyed himself that much. Still, he's been open to a lot of other types of music, so I can't fault him for not falling in love with Lucinda. Goodness knows, I can be super closed minded when it comes to music I'm not familiar with.

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The week is over. Finally. It was a blur. A series of ups and downs and zig zags and unexpected news. And now it's the weekend. My preference is for a weekend with nothing to do, but there is so much on the menu for the next couple days. I don't know how much of it I'm going to do, but it's overwhelming just to think about it and all the other things to come as the holiday season enters its full swing. Today at work I wanted to find some room where I could crawl into a corner in the dark and just sit awhile. For a moment, I contemplated crawling under my desk. Alas, that wasn't an option, so I had to space out while just sitting at my desk. I got lost in b-roll shots of New York by day, New York by night, people walking the sidewalks, traffic on the highways, butterflies on flowers, birds soaring over the ocean. I think I just needed to focus on something inconsequential, but something that would keep my attention. Otherwise, it might have been a mess with all the thoughts bouncing around in my head. I need to remind myself that I don't have to let the moments sail by if I don't want them to. I need to take a deep breath and calm down. The sun will rise again tomorrow.

Chris, Chris & Chris

I feel it coming on again. My head is spinning. I don't know if it's an obsession over my hair or something else that's causing an obsession over my hair, but I felt like I was losing it for a little while today. Today, I was listening to my iPod and a song came on that reminded me of something A and me were talking about this morning. I don't know what exactly it was, but once I hit that Rilo Kiley song, I couldn't stop listening to it. I put it on repeat and kept listening all through working out, all the way home, in the bathtub. I wanted to figure the song out. It has flashbacks, shifting points of view, and seems to be out of sequence.
While listening, I kept thinking about how much I hated my hair. I knew I needed a haircut, but didn't know what I should do with it. I was veering towards one of the answers I like in such occasions: shaving it all off. I've done it before and I was close to doing it again. I went to the barber shop without knowing what I was going to do. Short or long or the same or what. I didn't know.
I sat down and waited for my turn. What came on the speakers? A Rilo Kiley song. It was weird. I wanted to know what it all meant, but I couldn't figure it out. Then the lady at the front called me up. She told me that the guy in front of me was also Chris, so she would refer to me as Christopher. When I was called up, the guy cutting my hair introduced himself, his name was Chris. I don't know what that meant either, but I made a decision.
I do feel a little bit better. At least I did something. My hair is fine. It's not the complete answer I wanted, but it never is. Still, there's something bubbling under the surface. Maybe it's why people were asking me if I was all right before. Even B commented that one night I was looking a little out of sorts. Even today it felt like something was going to happen.

Goodbye Ice

Today was my last ice skating class of the semester. And of the year. As much as I've enjoyed the ice and especially last week's triumph, I think what I'm going to miss most is Miss ML. I remember my first class and how scared I was of her seemingly militaristic demeanor. And how I quickly realized she was funny and open and sweet and nice. I learned a lot this semester and it's all because she's a great teacher. The teachers at the rink change from semester to semester, so who knows when I'll have her to teach me again. It's a little upsetting. I looked forward to being on the ice, but I think I enjoyed her teaching more. I guess I'll just have to move on. It's kind of sad.
It's always sad to let go of the people who are a good influence in my life. I can't believe how much I miss Professor TB and regret not getting to know him better. How many teachers would let you take their class over again when you're not even in school anymore? I used to have to borrow my friends' student IDs to sneak into Bobst Library for his class. I still have all his emails printed and saved and they are still full of advice that I continue to learn from. It's a lesson in the negative influence of my isolationism. When people are there for you to learn from, you should do your best to actually learn from them and not hide away in a cave with only the voices in your head for advice.

Vegi Date

She looks under every chair,
in every organic produce aisle,
on every website designed to find love.
But he is nowhere to be found.
He drives a bus through Alaska
with tourists from the Mainland
and leaves his belongings at rest stops
and roadside Diners.
He builds houses out of clothes,
and sleeps in a co-op
and disappears from life for days on end.
But when he calls she answers
and runs to his side.
They eat veggie sausage and home grown corn
and he stays under the covers
longer than any man ever could.
And for a moment she's happy
and thinks he could be the one.
Until she wakes and rolls over
and finds an empty bed.

Are You All Right?

Too often in the past few days I've gotten people asking: "Are you all right?"
First it was my mom on the phone.
"Are you all right?" she asked.
"I'm fine. Why?" I responded.
"I don't know. You just sound kind of down."
Then it was my sister, also on the phone.
"Are you all right?" she asked.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Why?"
"You sound kind of down. And mom mentioned she thought you sounded like something was going on."
Then it was EG at work.
"Are you all right," he asked.
"Yes. Why?"
"You look like you need to eat something."
Then it was A at work.
"Are you all right?" she asked.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Why?"
"Something seemed like it was the matter," she explained.
I wonder what it is. Is it something I'm repressing? When that many people ask you if something is wrong and you don't consciously feel like something is wrong, then you wonder what could be wrong. I don't think it' some random occurrence because it keeps happening. Part of me wonders if it's my shaggy, uncombed hair. It's so out of control and I don't bother to do anything with it, so maybe it makes me look frantic and out of sorts. But that wouldn't explain why people on the phone are asking me if I'm all right. But maybe I'm seeing myself as frantic and it's coming out in my speech. I don't know. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Making Sense

Today when I arrived at work, the clock outside the bathrooms was stuck on 7:00. The little hands were clicking and trying to move, but it was just stuck. It made sense.
Before leaving the apartment this morning, I was dragging and not wanting to go. I got up fine, although groggy, but there were other factors. My hair was a mess, and I couldn't bring myself to wet it and comb it. The thought of even doing it was overwhelming. Then there were my clothes. I looked through my closet and couldn't find anything I wanted to wear. I finally just grabbed something and put it on, which I ended up changing the moment before I left. My body felt disproportional in everything. I stumbled into work forgetting my key card for the door and my gym card. I guess it's was just one of those mornings.
I just passed by the clock outside the bathrooms. It's set to the right time and seems to be working fine now, although the front of the clock is cracked and broken. It makes sense.

Under Where?

I don't know where my fascination with underwear comes from. It's not like that many people see it, but it's important to me. Lately I have had no interest in buying much of anything, especially clothes, but underwear seems to be the one exception. I always have the impulse to buy every different kind of pair I see, but I know better. I rate all my pairs from favorite to least favorite and after doing laundry, I try to wear my least favorite pairs first so towards the end of my laundry cycle I only have good pairs left. There are exceptions to that. If it's going to be a special day or I want some good luck, I have to pull out a lucky pair. I find the lucky pairs aren't actually lucky, but I just like them better.
I don't know where this is coming from. I've always had a fascination with underwear. Even when I was younger, I remember asking my mom for some colorful pairs of bikini briefs, so I could have more than white briefs. My preference lately is boxer briefs and I can't believe I actually went through a period where I wore boxers, which all of a sudden I couldn't stand one day. I just threw them away rather than force myself to wear them at the beginning of the cycle.
I think part of it comes from an intense desire to be one of the perfect bodies on the underwear box. Like if I get the perfect pair, my body will suddenly be in shape and I'll look stunning for once. I guess I'm still waiting for that magic pair.

No H8!

Today, as fires were ranging all around Los Angeles, I got in my car and drove... to get a haircut. But there was a 45 minute wait and I left. So I drove... to get my car smog tested. There was a long wait too, but I needed it done and decided to wait. After I was done, I drove to the Metro station and got on to head downtown to the one of the rallies in protest to Proposition 8. It was a mix of emotions because it's really the first rally I've been to and I didn't know if I should go, but the closer it got to starting, the more it became something I had to do. I knew I had made the right decision as I drove to the parking lot and saw groups with signs and taking pictures. The metro was crowded and I was impressed at just how many people were making a stand.
Once I got downtown, things were pretty overwhelming. So many people, so many voices. It was weird walking down the steps towards the mass protest and seeing pro-Prop 8 people demonstrating as well. Seeing people on TV protesting against the things I believe in is one thing, but seeing them across from you with signs that read "HOMO SEX IS A THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY" is another. It was scary and saddening, but I kept walking. Once in the crowd, I had to fight not to cry. I was still overwhelmed. And proud. It was an amazing experience to be among people united for a cause, it felt like community. It felt like understanding. It felt like just being there was being part of something amazing. It was taking a stand and doing something little that seemed like it counted. Everyone was smiling and cheering. And even though some people maybe had signs that I didn't agree with, it didn't matter, because we were all there united in love. It actually made me feel the way I wish going to church would more often. It was a bunch of people loving their neighbors and trying to do good.
While standing in the crowd, I actually ran in to someone I haven't seen in probably more than 10 years, TS. He looked and acted the same and it was funny coming face to face with someone who knew and teased me as a closeted college student in New York City. He was always someone I admired: fearless, vocal, funny, smart and it was great to follow him around and meet new people, everyone amazing and interesting and united in a common purpose.
There were so many times where I just felt overcome with emotions. One was when a bunch of protesters stopped over a freeway overpass and cars honked in solidarity from beneath, while other people gave thumbs down. Another time was sending videos of the protest to my parents. I talked to my mom who was happy for me but (of course) just wanted me to be careful. My dad called and said, "That's how you make change happen." He was happy that I was doing something more than watching it on TV and it was amazing feeling hearing that both my parents were behind me.
I had to leave to get home to to go to church and the sermon was about doing whatever you can with what you have. It was a weird feeling, being in a church that a lot of times makes me feel like who I am is wrong and like I don't belong, a church in which there were a lot of people vocal in support of Proposition 8. At this point, I'm still struggling living in both worlds. But I think just like being downtown and united with people who I might share other differences with, I'm can't judge a group of people because of the acts of a few.
It was an amazing day for me. I didn't expect it to be, but it was really remarkable removing myself from a world that revolves around me and my insecurities and entering one that was about something bigger, something beyond myself.

Fryday

I'm so glad it's the weekend. Lately I feel like I can't catch my breath. The days drag and flash at the same time. I think the air at work is filled with anticipation: there are so many changes coming soon, but it's not like we can focus on them or prepare because there's other things to be doing. A and I went out for pizza this afternoon and we stopped by my apartment on the way back to work. It was so hard getting motivated to get back to work. The cats were walking around, Oprah was on TV, there were a bunch of things that needed picking up. I just feel really distracted lately, like there are too many things bouncing around in my head and it's manic. Sometimes when I talk lately, it's an effort to get the words out. I'm trying to live in the present, but it feels like there's no end in sight. I'm in a box. It's a box that I made and I'm not stuck there, but it's where I've chosen to be and I guess I have to just stay here until it's time to get out.

Triumph on the Ice

Tonight was the second to last class for my Gamma/Delta ice skating and that meant it was the day for testing. I was nervous, especially after having faltered badly during midterms. The Gamma/Delta class is weird because it's two classes. Two of us (including me) are in Gamma, the other two are ahead of us in Delta. There were a lot of things to go through and Miss ML wasn't wasting any time in getting us ready to go. We did one thing after another. I was really nervous, but ML kept reminding me to take it slow. She said she knew I had speed, but she was more interested in control at this point. I told her I tend to have the same problem in tennis: trying to hit the ball hard instead of placing it. I was pretty nervous but tried to just do my thing. Unlike tennis, where tentativeness ruins my game, taking things slow seem to be beneficial. We finished up and the class was over. ML took us aside and went through everyone. It seemed like my fellow Gamma was moving to Delta, and my fellow Deltas had some issues and were staying Deltas. I, on the other hand, was told that I could skip Delta and go directly to Freestyle 1!
It's just ice skating, but I might have well be crowned Miss America. I was beaming inside and trying to play it cool, especially after having been able to recover after I'd done so badly at midterms. ML even told me I had potential. I think part of what helped me was what she had noticed last week: it may not be pretty, but I'm willing to try whatever it is she tells me to do. Part of me still doesn't believe it. Part of me wonders if I was lucky, or that ML was just being nice. But whatever, I know that I've gotten a lot better over the past few months and it's so exciting to have it noticed.

Can I Work In?

No, I don't want you to work in.
I hate the gym. I don't mind when I'm done at the gym, but I'm not a fan of going. I try to avoid busy periods and never understand when people ask to work in when there's a whole gym full of other equipment. Do you really need this particular bench? Is this the only place you can work your chest? It's so annoying, usually I just get up and go somewhere else. Maybe it's my social awkwardness or wanting to be alone, but it makes things that much worse when people actually talk to me. I guess sometimes the headphones aren't a strong enough signal that I'm not listening.
I guess it's not that good of an outlook to have, but just leave me alone!

Force It Out

I have been so upset at the state of my affairs...the state of the economy...the discrimination that is ever present in the state I reside...the impending 1 year anniversary that hangs over my head like a cloud of doom, that I haven't been able to write. I have little desire to scratch the surface of my bitterness, my anger, my fear, my grief. I feel like if I start writing or talking or yelling or crying, I may never stop. So instead, I stuff my emotions to a place so deep inside me that they can never be found. They may surface like small lava bubbles at unexpected times. At a movie theater when I slouch in the darkness sucked into someones life for 120 minutes, on the freeway when my radio is broken and I am forced to sit in complete silence on the 134 with only my thoughts to listen to, when I pass a retired man on the street and he stands with closed eyes and work gloves in his pocket holding a sign that reads Please Help: Need Work To Pay My Bills.
"Force it out," K instructs from the desk next to mine. So I will. None of this is coming naturally. It doesn't pour from my veins the way it used to...my muse has vanished. I thought I saw her walking on the street in Hollywood the other night, but I quickly realized she was just a figment of my imagination. A girl I invented to get lost in, to fulfill my narcissistic desire to fill the page with my own thoughts. I know now that she is forever gone and my life is forever changed, so for now I will do what K said...I will force it out.

Guilt (Or Innocence)

My opinion is too easily swayed. I'll be reading an article or listening to someone and go back and forth from one side of an issue to another. It seems like a lot of people I know resolutely believe things--they just know them. I'm always happy when I feel I just know something, but it's hard to trust in things. It's not like I've had tons of bad experiences with things changing, but something in me just doesn't trust that things will work out like they're supposed to. Maybe it's self-sabotage, maybe it's lack of self-belief, maybe it's over-identifying with everything and everyone. Whatever it is, I find myself constantly torn.
Lately I've been thinking about someone I know who has to deal with things far worse than I've ever had to deal with. I find myself wondering what I would do in her place. Is it easier to trust or just to believe the worst? Is having faith easier than not having it? I think about her life and can't really believe it is what it is. It's so far removed and foreign compared to mine and I wonder what goes through her head day after day. I think people end up surviving one way or the other. Ideally, we want things to go smoothly, but when they don't, most times we figure out how to get through. For whatever reason, my thoughts are going out to her today.

Consideration

It's hard to not be angry when people, people who I hope would know better, do things that they know will drive me crazy. Of course, some things I can take with a grain of salt, but others are much more dastardly. It makes me wonder about where people's heads are at, how much they care, how much things become a power play. I do realize that people need to put themselves first, but it's a little sad when someone I value can't have a little consideration. I think it gets easy to stop trying. I think with most people I tend not to care what they do, but there are a handful who matter. So it makes me extremly disappointed when they don't see how their actions affect others.

Organization

I don't consider myself very organized. I wouldn't guess that B does either. The apartment is usually in disarray until I get in a mood to make it not so. Documents and pictures and songs pile up on my computer desktop until I can't take it anymore. But there's something in me that loves organization. Today at the gym two of the workers were arranging the free-weights, putting them back where they belonged. They were having trouble spotting missing and misplaced weights, so I decided to pipe in. I got some weird satisfaction from helping out put things right. It really upsets me when things are all over the place. At the gym I usually spend a lot of time just wondering why people can't put things back where they got them. Today things were right, if only for a little bit. I wonder why they can't stay that way.

Laugh

Laughter should bring joy, but it's piercing my ears. It's actually making them bleed. I know I'm not alone. It doesn't seem sincere, it's trying too hard. What must that laughter sound like out of these walls. I wouldn't want to know. Maybe we all could have heard it once, but instead we got a vacant stare and an uneaten lunch. There are things that don't seem to add up. The swings are wild and unpredictable. One day the hat is down and the face is sad, the next the face is grinning and running around like a wild child. Freedom can't come soon enough.

Continue Ice

I'm doing better at ice skating lately. Today my teacher pulled me aside and looked at me directly: "I'll say one thing, no matter what it is, you just throw yourself out there and do it. It may not be pretty, but you're not scared to try."
It was a really nice compliment, even if I do try to unsuccessfully to look pretty. It's weird that in tennis and ice skating, I'll try anything. In life it's a lot different. I barely leave the house. I wonder what the difference is. I want to be consistently fearless. It's too easy to back down, to say no, to not put myself out there. Maybe I'm just scared of finding out the truth behind things.

At Least...

I don't want to explain it.
I don't know why it's still there.
I didn't even think it was still there,
But there's a tear in my eye.
I don't want it to be there.
It all exists in my mind--
My imagination.

I look outside because I don't want to look inside.
There was a notice in the mail.
I can't keep my bike in the garage.
Where is it supposed to go?

Kirsten Dunst is in North Dakota making a documentary.
Miley Cyrus keeps on singing.

People are moving to wine country.
(His brother has the same birthday as me.)
I guess it beats Chicago,
Even if it's not "Brothers & Sisters."

It's been raining the last few days.
The weather is suddenly colder.

I rarely trust promises--
Except yours.
You keep me safe.

Why I'm Bitter: An Essay

I don't like admitting to bitterness. I hate admitting to negative emotions, but I have them often. Bitterness. Jealousy. Rage. Hatred. Anger. Envy. Yes, all the bad ones are in there and sometimes they escape. I can't say the reasons are always viable, but they do occur whether I want them to or not.
My therapist told me it's always a struggle with negative emotions. And the trick is realizing that you can have them while having positive ones too. You can love someone and hate someone at the same time. You can be happy for someone and also be jealous of them. You can come to terms with things and still have that tinge of bitterness for the way things turn out.
I'm bitter because today I got really judgmental and angry and I know I have no right to. I hate it when things just don't make sense to me. When the world seems to spin in ways that I can't even begin to explain. This person thinks this and does this and this happens to him or her, while this person is struggling to do this and that and then this happens. Yes it's all vague, it has to be. I wonder, is that person so much smarter? So much more well-rounded? Do we always end up getting what we deserve? It's not my place to compare people, but sometimes things seem so jagged and uneven, it can't help but send my mind reeling.
I hope somewhere there's some diagram and things make sense. That there's some blueprint laid out neatly with bricks on every corner so the wind doesn't blow it around. I'm constantly reminding myself and others that sometimes things take years to play out. Many times little moments are so much more significant than you thought they were, but it takes time to realize that. I guess I just have to force myself to believe that things make sense.

Tennis with Friends

I have to admit, lately I've been over tennis. But today B got a call from some friends who wanted to hit and I agreed to go. It was surprisingly nice. No matches, no points, just hitting back and forth and good shots and bad shots and no pressure. What a difference the situation makes, but it was a good reminder that it doesn't always have to be pressure and nerves, there's another part of the game that I tend to ignore and it's the part that just involves having fun. I think my work now is to rediscover the fun part: not freaking out when I miss, not getting angry when I'm playing badly, not letting my nerves get the best of me, and not judging myself when I do let my nerves get the best of me. It's hard to be nice to myself, but hopefully I can make more of an effort.

Fall Awakening

Just got back from seeing "Spring Awakening" and it was still amazing. Maybe not as good as when I saw it last year, but still the best show I've seen. It's hard to judge theater by the same standards as everything else. With a movie or a TV show, I can just put the DVD in and watch it as many times as I want to. But with theater, those moments are the only ones like that on this earth. The experience can't be relived or duplicated. I really stand in awe of what people are able to do up there. Not just the actors, but the writers and directors and band and stage crew. It's a really unique experience and a really remarkable thing. I didn't nearly take enough advantage of living in New York in the theater department. There are so many shows I wish I'd seen, but there are no re-dos, whatever "30 Rock" would have you believe. But it seems with B in the picture, I've at least been allowed the opportunity to change my behavior and see what's out there.
B has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm so mean to him! I wonder why that is. I'm nicer to people on the street or even people I don't like that much. It's horrible, but it's also the ultimate compliment. You only let the people you really love see every single side of you. You can only let it all loose around people who you trust--people who you trust not to run away or judge or retaliate. Hopefully I'm not all bad, but sometimes I wonder.