A ( Not So) True Story

By the time I was ten, my mother had tried nearly every gadget on the market to put an end to the hoarse, harsh noises that exploded from my father’s mouth each night. I remember a time in my life not by grade or age, like most people; I remember by what contraption my mother had my father hooked up to. My mother even referred to herself as a snorologist. She said it was because she had done so much research on the subject and practically knew more than any doctor or scientist ever could. I think it was because she was a housewife and never had a job title besides stain remover or dish washer. In any case, it became an obsession. My father never really seemed to mind, though, and seemed content serving as my mother’s guinea pig. The only one that ever worked was the snore eliminator. It was basically just a sweatband with some sensor strips on it. The idea was to rub specific essential oils on the sensors and then wear the headband while you were sleeping. The essential oils were supposed to send out calming currents of energy resulting in your throat muscles relaxing and viola...no more snoring. All I recall is that on that night, for the first time in ten years, I fell asleep in silence. But that only lasted one night. The next morning, the snore eliminator was being eaten for breakfast by our black lab, Mike. Neither of my parents mentioned it again. Hundreds of new inventions made their way to our doorstep throughout the years after, but never anything resembling the snore eliminator, nor anything that came close to working. I never asked how Mike got the headband or why they just didn’t order another one. I guess I knew the answer. I learned a lot about my parents that day...especially my mother.