I don't like admitting to bitterness. I hate admitting to negative emotions, but I have them often. Bitterness. Jealousy. Rage. Hatred. Anger. Envy. Yes, all the bad ones are in there and sometimes they escape. I can't say the reasons are always viable, but they do occur whether I want them to or not.
My therapist told me it's always a struggle with negative emotions. And the trick is realizing that you can have them while having positive ones too. You can love someone and hate someone at the same time. You can be happy for someone and also be jealous of them. You can come to terms with things and still have that tinge of bitterness for the way things turn out.
I'm bitter because today I got really judgmental and angry and I know I have no right to. I hate it when things just don't make sense to me. When the world seems to spin in ways that I can't even begin to explain. This person thinks this and does this and this happens to him or her, while this person is struggling to do this and that and then this happens. Yes it's all vague, it has to be. I wonder, is that person so much smarter? So much more well-rounded? Do we always end up getting what we deserve? It's not my place to compare people, but sometimes things seem so jagged and uneven, it can't help but send my mind reeling.
I hope somewhere there's some diagram and things make sense. That there's some blueprint laid out neatly with bricks on every corner so the wind doesn't blow it around. I'm constantly reminding myself and others that sometimes things take years to play out. Many times little moments are so much more significant than you thought they were, but it takes time to realize that. I guess I just have to force myself to believe that things make sense.
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