Moving on Out

The last day of the year. The last day before I switch jobs. It's weird that it all timed out this way. I think I'm just kind of out of it in regards to the whole switch. I've known it was coming for such a long time and now it's here and it's just happening. I think it's just my defense mechanism, I just let it happen like it's out of my hands. But it's my life and it's people I spend a lot of time with and it's changing for the first time in a while. The last time things changed so radically, I ended up kicking and screaming for weeks, months, maybe a year. I hope I'm moving away from the dark and into the light. And I guess it's better that I'm actually taking the chance instead of standing still.

The Calm After the Storm

I'm expecting chaos. It must be around the corner. Things are going too smoothly. There should be bumps, there should be setbacks. But I don't want them.
Today I drove B to the airport at 4:15AM. It was raining and I made it back home in time to sleep for a little bit before work. I almost overslept, but was actually early and things went well. It was pouring rain again as I drove to work. I really need new windshield wipers.
Now I wait for tomorrow, the big day to see how things are going. I'm nervous. I want things to continue going smoothly. I don't want to even think about things going not smoothly because I don't want that to even be an option.
I guess I'll know what happens when it happens, but for now I'm just going to enjoy the peace and calm.

Part of the Day

I've been so focused at work lately. It's like I'm walking a tight rope and if I look down, I'll go falling into some abyss. There are parts of me that are really worried and questioning and others that are excited.
My sister called and left me a voicemail. With the wind chill, it's 17 degrees below and they are expecting even more snow on the ground in Milwaukee. It makes me scared to mention the cold here, but for here, it is cold. I'm cold. It's hard to get out from under the blankets in the morning. (Although when B leaves earlier than me, it is easier to get out of bed.)
It's even harder to convince myself that I should ride my bike to work. Luckily, it's also been raining, so I've been forced to drive, and I gladly drive in my bare feet with the heater on.
Today at the gym, Terry was working with his new big fish. It was nice seeing him busy and away from me. I was still there when he finished and got a little nervous as he passed by, but nothing came of it. He just walked on by without a word.
Some of the new kids were talking about one of their friends today. BFH called my attention to what they were saying. They were commenting on how old their friend was. Now how old, but saying he was old. He's 23. I was shocked, sad, scared, and tried to avoid thinking about it.

Atonement

Today is the day. It starts now. It's my chance to do unto others as I would have them do unto me. Four new people started work today. It's hard to believe that a little over a year ago, I was one of them. Except these new kids seem eager and on the ball. My transition into my day job wasn't easy. For months after my job started, I was kicking and screaming internally. I was moody and easy to irritate. I was a little lost as to what to do, but didn't want to ask questions. I'm sure I wasn't easy to work with, but there were still things that went on around me that I didn't appreciate. I guess now is my chance to be there, to answer questions, to not be in such a bad mood about it. I realize there were a lot of good things about the time I had and I want to make sure those good things continue. And now that I know the bad things, I can try to steer clear of them. That's the true test. Instead of continuing to do things just because they're done that way, it's time to make things right that weren't right before. It's time to let freedom ring.
The last couple days at work have been like a mirror. I've seen my bad behavior reflected back at me and it's time to deal with it. It's gross having to admit my faults and try to steer clear of being the ultimate hypocrite, but it's a lesson I need to learn.

Old is New

Back in the day I used to get a lot of people commenting on how I looked, usually in reference to me looking like someone. It was sometimes someone specific, but most times it was just "someone." As in, "You look like someone," but the person saying it could never think of who. Recently those comments just seemed to have stopped, but this weekend people were commenting again.
Someone said I looked like I should be on reality TV and not working on it. Another one said she thought she worked with me. Maybe it's my hair, maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's leaving the house and running into new people. The weekend culminated in someone apologizing for not listening to what I was saying because she was staring at my eyes. I just find it strange going forever without any comments and then they all come at once.
It reminds me of how I started working at my current job. MM turned in my resume to Human Resources along with a link to some essay I wrote about how within a few weeks one year a bunch of random people told me I looked like Joey McIntyre. AA, the head of Human Resources at the time, was a big fan of New Kids on the Block and thought it was really funny. My interview pretty much consisted of talking about Joey and I started work a few days later.
I went to a Vedic Astrologer a few years ago and he explained that our lives are cyclical, that certain patters emerged over years and years: renewals, setbacks, discoveries. I wonder if something now is relating to something then. It does seem like there are things happening that feel like a new start. If renewal is coming, I hope I've learned a few lessons and don't get stuck in a rut again because I'm scared of change. There are some things that aren't worth repeating.

Terry & the Winds of Change

Thankfully Terry left me alone today. I saw him lurking and skipped two machines and went right to cardio just so I could make sure I didn't have to deal with him today.
In other news, it's like a storm is raging around me. I'm trying to stay calm. I guess it's part of my avoidance issues. When things get stressful, I tend to withdraw and just let things happen. I'd rather relinquish control and go passive and not take an active part in the winds of change. I guess part of me just wants to push the button and stand back and let the chips fall where they fall. I feel kind of numb. I'm going dead inside. I just want things to work out!

Ticking Numbers

Change is nearing. It's creeping up on me. My main coping defenses are avoidance and denial, so when I know something is coming, I just don't think about it until I absolutely have to. There's something that's been on the horizon for a while, and now it's almost here. I thought I was okay with it, but the closer it gets, the more sick I'm feeling. I guess I'll just deal with it when it arrives, but the anticipation is killing me. I don't know what it about it that's making me anxious. I think I fear failing horribly, or not being good enough, or not getting it, or of wasting everyone's time. I know I should be thinking positive thoughts, but it's always so much easier to go to the scary places.

Today

Ugh. It was fine until I actually got to the street that I work on. Then I saw the car and the building and just thought of everything bad. Work wasn't that bad today. It was just work. I guess any job would be the same. I'm sure it's much nicer to have free time and do whatever it is you want, but that's not an option for me. So I work. I try to perform. Try to do right. Try to pay the bills without thinking about weeks, months, years from now.
I had a long conversation with JL today and it kind of freaked me out. We were talking about emotions and politics and the economy and music and afterwards my brain was kind of friend. It's easier not to think about difficult questions sometimes. It's easier to just have faith and not really question yourself. Right now I'm still tired and I think I might need a few days of easy before things get difficult again.

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The week is over. Finally. It was a blur. A series of ups and downs and zig zags and unexpected news. And now it's the weekend. My preference is for a weekend with nothing to do, but there is so much on the menu for the next couple days. I don't know how much of it I'm going to do, but it's overwhelming just to think about it and all the other things to come as the holiday season enters its full swing. Today at work I wanted to find some room where I could crawl into a corner in the dark and just sit awhile. For a moment, I contemplated crawling under my desk. Alas, that wasn't an option, so I had to space out while just sitting at my desk. I got lost in b-roll shots of New York by day, New York by night, people walking the sidewalks, traffic on the highways, butterflies on flowers, birds soaring over the ocean. I think I just needed to focus on something inconsequential, but something that would keep my attention. Otherwise, it might have been a mess with all the thoughts bouncing around in my head. I need to remind myself that I don't have to let the moments sail by if I don't want them to. I need to take a deep breath and calm down. The sun will rise again tomorrow.

Making Sense

Today when I arrived at work, the clock outside the bathrooms was stuck on 7:00. The little hands were clicking and trying to move, but it was just stuck. It made sense.
Before leaving the apartment this morning, I was dragging and not wanting to go. I got up fine, although groggy, but there were other factors. My hair was a mess, and I couldn't bring myself to wet it and comb it. The thought of even doing it was overwhelming. Then there were my clothes. I looked through my closet and couldn't find anything I wanted to wear. I finally just grabbed something and put it on, which I ended up changing the moment before I left. My body felt disproportional in everything. I stumbled into work forgetting my key card for the door and my gym card. I guess it's was just one of those mornings.
I just passed by the clock outside the bathrooms. It's set to the right time and seems to be working fine now, although the front of the clock is cracked and broken. It makes sense.

Fryday

I'm so glad it's the weekend. Lately I feel like I can't catch my breath. The days drag and flash at the same time. I think the air at work is filled with anticipation: there are so many changes coming soon, but it's not like we can focus on them or prepare because there's other things to be doing. A and I went out for pizza this afternoon and we stopped by my apartment on the way back to work. It was so hard getting motivated to get back to work. The cats were walking around, Oprah was on TV, there were a bunch of things that needed picking up. I just feel really distracted lately, like there are too many things bouncing around in my head and it's manic. Sometimes when I talk lately, it's an effort to get the words out. I'm trying to live in the present, but it feels like there's no end in sight. I'm in a box. It's a box that I made and I'm not stuck there, but it's where I've chosen to be and I guess I have to just stay here until it's time to get out.

Why I'm Bitter: An Essay

I don't like admitting to bitterness. I hate admitting to negative emotions, but I have them often. Bitterness. Jealousy. Rage. Hatred. Anger. Envy. Yes, all the bad ones are in there and sometimes they escape. I can't say the reasons are always viable, but they do occur whether I want them to or not.
My therapist told me it's always a struggle with negative emotions. And the trick is realizing that you can have them while having positive ones too. You can love someone and hate someone at the same time. You can be happy for someone and also be jealous of them. You can come to terms with things and still have that tinge of bitterness for the way things turn out.
I'm bitter because today I got really judgmental and angry and I know I have no right to. I hate it when things just don't make sense to me. When the world seems to spin in ways that I can't even begin to explain. This person thinks this and does this and this happens to him or her, while this person is struggling to do this and that and then this happens. Yes it's all vague, it has to be. I wonder, is that person so much smarter? So much more well-rounded? Do we always end up getting what we deserve? It's not my place to compare people, but sometimes things seem so jagged and uneven, it can't help but send my mind reeling.
I hope somewhere there's some diagram and things make sense. That there's some blueprint laid out neatly with bricks on every corner so the wind doesn't blow it around. I'm constantly reminding myself and others that sometimes things take years to play out. Many times little moments are so much more significant than you thought they were, but it takes time to realize that. I guess I just have to force myself to believe that things make sense.

Only My Brain Can Comprehend the Answer

I hate it when a person thinks I'm giving them attitude when I'm not. And then they give me attitude and then I end up actually giving them attitude. I realize I'm in the wrong by giving it back, but it ends up being a knee-jerk reaction.
But most of all _ ____ _o_. You're a hypocrite. You're unstable. Maybe if you would have spent more than _n ___r a_ w___ ____y, you might have known what was going on before you decided to spread your u_____re and ____tic knowledge around in the wrong directions. But I wish you awareness. I wish you love. I wish you stability. I wish you calmness. I wish you what you wish yourself. I wish that you slow down and start to think about how your attitude can affect the other people around you.
Think.

Acceptance

I'm open to criticism. Like everyone, it's not always easy to hear, but I try. I try to make things better, I try to explain where I'm coming from and take in what I'm being given. Still, there's better and there's different. Everyone has a viewpoint, everyone has a way of doing things. I think sometimes when a lot of people are involved in something, things get changed over ways of seeing things. Sometimes things are better, sometimes worse, sometimes the same. (The rate at which things change is related to people's rank above and below one another.)
I find it easier to let go of some things, but desperate to hold on to others. But I think sometimes I want to succeed and fail on my own. I think it's better to fail at something I have ownership over rather than succeed at something that's been totally compromised. There's something nice in a failure I can claim as my own. It's nice to be able to learn those lessons and be allowed to make mistakes.
Today I was allowed to have my own viewpoint and style, to do something like I wanted to do it. Yeah, it got changed, but I didn't have to change it. It was a small pleasure, but one I was happy to enjoy.

For Numb, Press 1

The emotions are swirling around the office and beyond like nobody's business. At this point, everyone seems drained as we constantly careen from mad to sad to angry to frustrated to nervous to scared to happy to dead inside to resentful to bewildered and all around and back again and everything in between. There were heads on desk, constant moans of exasperation. And that's including people not even directly involved in the drama.
I think my brain pressed the numb button at some point. It's like that pain response one's body does when it's attacked, it just knows to shut down and spare the suffering. Yeah, it's going to hurt later and take a lot of time to repair, but if it didn't shut down one would probably die. My mind is taking as much as it can in and just refusing to process it. I'll be talking and suddenly start blabbering or be on the verge of tears or get angry or be speechless because I don't know how to clear up the different streams of emotions and information I've been a part of in the last day.
At this point, it seems like everyone is settling with unhappiness or going to be forced with settling with it. No one is going to walk away from this ordeal a winner. Everyone is being punished, even though most of the situation involved only a small percent of maliciousness.
Two expressions have been coming to mind lately:
"Be careful what you wish for," and "You reap what you sow."

Worst. Wednesday. Ever.

Ugh. Numb again. I was angry before, and before that sad. Before that I was fine. It's up and down and down and up.
Today should be a day of reflection, and there was some good, but there was also some bad. I guess you just count on people to have your best interests in mind and to do right when you let them know what you want. I want support. I want understanding. And I wish support and understanding to the people in my life--
I had to take a little mini break because Herbert just plopped down in front of me and demanded I stop whining and start petting.
--Anyway, I am going to reflect. Today I had a long talk with DW. I heard things I didn't necessarily want to hear and I said things I didn't necessarily want to say. Despite the whole messy work situation I'm in, I think I've made baby steps. A couple of years ago, I might have just let things pass and kept my mouth shut. But today I said what I wanted to say. I expressed myself and had a discussion and a "point of view." The world didn't stop spinning. I allowed myself to take up space. It didn't resolve anything, but it felt good to hear and express the truth.
People can only disrespect you as much as you disrespect yourself.
I was honest with someone today and I'm going to try to continue to be honest with myself.
Next to an amazing Hannah Montana card, a very thoughtful postcard from "Tori" herself, some Herbert love, lots of boxes of Suddenly Salad and some nice "Happy Wednesdays," that's about the best present I could ask for.

What Falls Away

So, today it all came crashing down. My best laid plans, my ideas about life, my hopes, my dreams, my opinions of certain people--they were put in the light of day. Actually, it wasn't that dramatic. There's a job I want, I was told I couldn't have it. It sucks. I was mad, I was bitter, I was nervous, I was uncertain. But through it all, something happened. Despite an attack of madness last night, I was somewhat composed. Despite heated discussion, raised voices and some unbalanced brain chemicals, I was able to stay mostly calm. Despite some rambling and random statements, I was able to make some decent points.
At the gym during my lunch break, I listened to my iPod and I heard Bonnie Raitt singing. And LeAnne Womack singing. And Gene Wilder singing "Pure Imagination."
I thought to myself ,"What do my job problems matter when there are people singing these songs?"
I came home and watched my DVR'd "Gossip Girl." It was a really good episode. I love Serena's turn to the dark side.
I thought to myself, "What does it all matter when 'Gossip Girl' is this good?"
B, tired from a full night and day and night at work along with driving his mom to the airport, was somewhat delirious and he leaned his head on my shoulder and smiled at me.
"I'll do what I can to do well. I'll let the pieces fall where they fall. I'll work to make better choices. I'll stand up for myself and let my voice be heard," I thought, "I'll try to make sure to take care of what really counts first and not waste energy on people or situations that don't deserve my time in the first place."

Something in the Air

Things are quiet now. Everything is being put in its place. But it's the calm before the storm. Soon things will be shaking and quaking and they'll be a whole lot more to deal with. I'm not looking forward to it. Things are fine right now, in the calm, quiet, uncomplicated world that we've built. But soon others will come marching in to stake their claims and I'll just have to shuffle out of their path and do whatever it is they tell me to do. I don't want to even think about it right now.
I want to go to my happy place--a field in the summer time as the winds blow along the plains and clouds pass overhead. Where there's no threat of a storm, just hours of perfect sunlight on the horizon.

The First Day of School

A reminded me of something I said to her, that when we started up work it would be like we never left. Unfortunately, it's kind of like that. Riding my bike to Van Nuys, walking in the building, filling out the paperwork, getting to work all felt run-of-the-mill. Even the new twists weren't that surprising, they were just more things to do. I guess it's good not having to deal with all those days and weeks of uncertainty when you start up someplace completely new, but it is kind of weird to just fall back into something I've been away from for 2 1/2 months.
Those 2 1/2 months seem further and further away as the seconds tick by. They start to look as if they're dipped in gold. I appreciate them so much right now, I want them back. I don't want to let go but I know my grip is slipping. Soon I'll try to claw my way back but I know it will be a worthless cause.
Is it wrong to not want a job or kids? To just want to stay at home with the cats, on the couch, a fan on my face and the TV humming?

Old Soul

My energy is slowly diminishing. It's like I'm getting ready to be locked up. I went to see what might be my last weekday matinée in a while, "Brideshead Revisited." It was a good choice, yet another addition to my favorite genre of English period dramas. Tomorrow it all starts again. Part of me is still in denial. It's like I still don't know if I'm actually going to start back at work because we've been delayed so many times. I can't even allow my mind to go into the place where days are filled with being somewhere other than home and waiting for the weekend. Ugh. I'm having trouble even writing about it because I just don't want it to be. I want the last hours of this day to stretch out into eternity. The rational part of my head keeps saying it's not that bad and I know it's true. It's just something different--something I would prefer not to do but know I have to.
Today at the movies I was thinking about being an "old soul." The surprising size of the audience brought the term to mind because I was probably the only person under 50 of the other 20 people at the theater. I remember a trip I took to Lourdes, France when I was in 8th grade. Some of the women on the bus called me an "old soul" and were surprised by my "mature taste in music." I wonder if "old soul" means I just want to act like I'm retired, watch movies in the daytime, leave the house as little as possible, listen to adult-contemporary music, and spend more time with my cats than other human beings as the days sail by. I guess I just want the good parts of being an old soul without having to do the things it takes to get there.